Paradox Effect
by A Lovestruck A2
Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter… fem!Church, rated for filth and Church's language XD
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N: So, drunk me was browsing RvB fan art. Drunk me stumbled across a fem!Church picture by liriana. Drunk me then decided to write this XD**_

_**Sober me liked it enough to edit and post. Enjoy!**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 1***

Everything was going to plan for once in Church's life. He wouldn't have to deal with Caboose's stupidity or Tucker's annoying perverted jokes while he ran what was supposed to be an easy operation. All he had to do was possess the Red Team's leader, sneak into Red Base, free Tex, and then get home in time for coffee and cigarettes.

Easy, right? How hard could it be? It was the perfect plan. Not only would Tex be free from those annoying Reds, but he'd also get a chance to have a nice long chat with his ex girlfriend. Or, at least he hoped it wouldn't turn into a massive fistfight; they didn't have a good history together.

Then again, he was a ghost. It's not like she could kill him again. Unless she gained the ability to kill ghosts on top of her new enhancements she got from that experimental military project a few years back.

He was sure she didn't, but in the years he dated Tex prior to joining the military, it was best to err on the side of caution. To say she was a bitch would be the understatement of the century. Tex had more issues than he could shake a stick at, and that was putting it lightly.

Church spotted the Red Team's sergeant on top of the base talking with the two idiots who acted like a married couple (if one considered ruthlessly insulting someone's manliness as 'conversation') and he made a beeline for him.

"Tucker, I'm going in," he informed his perverted teammate. "For the love of God, don't let Caboose try and help me. Whatsoever. At all. He'll just…he'll just fuck it up."

Church felt an irrational spike of anger at the thought of his other teammate. The fucking asshole got him killed by his own tank, and then when he tried to warn them about how much of a total bitch Tex was, wouldn't let him get a goddamned word in!

The minute they were done with this operation and Tex was gone, Church swore that he would spend the rest of his ghostly existence haunting Caboose as payback for all the shit he put him through in the short time he was stationed here. _'He's deserved it. In the time he's been here, he's called my girlfriend a slut and killed me. I think I'm entitled to a little fucking payback.'_

The current ghost/team leader of the Blue Team made his way up the base and took possession of the Red Team's sergeant. Sarge wasn't happy about it, for he initially tried to resist getting his body taken from him. Church prevailed, and he let out a weird noise. "Gurk!"

"Hey, Sarge? Are you okay?" the fat orange soldier asked. "You sounded really weird there."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Church said through Sarge's voice. "These goddamn Blues have got me so damned angry! I'm so angry, I could spit!" And he did. A fat glob of spit landed on the inside of his visor, and Church chuckled to himself. Sarge was gonna get one nasty surprise when he saw that.

"…sir, did you just spit inside your helmet?" the maroon one asked.

"Yes. Yes I did, private." Church nodded and did it again to prove his point.

"Permission to speak freely, sir? That's fucking disgusting," the orange one said. Or was his armor gold? In this goddamned sunlight, it was practically impossible for Church to actually tell.

"Ah, shut up. Now go piss off before I start shooting at you," Church growled, hoping he could stay in character and not blow his cover. That was something people in charge did, right? They made death threats to their inferiors?

"Oh, can I help out?" the maroon guy asked eagerly.

"No," Church answered firmly. "Get to work on the jeep."

"But—"

"Did I fucking stutter, Private Bitch?"

"N-no sir…" The maroon soldier let out a quiet whimper and followed his teammate, and Church let out a sigh of relief. Finally, all alone and with a chance to go in and rescue Tex without any kind of problems. Or so he hoped. He knew better than anyone else in the galaxy of just how much of a bitch she was.

He walked into the interior of the Red Base, grimacing at the sheer amount of red flags and lights everywhere. _'Good God. These guys have a weird fetish of the color red. I get that this is the Red Base, but come on. Don't they have any other colors of paint lying around here?'_

It wasn't hard to find Tex; his ex girlfriend was leaning against the wall looking incredibly bored, and she yawned as he approached. "Oh, great. What do you want now? For the last time, I'm not giving you the keys to the tank."

"Oh shit, I forgot." Church jumped out of Sarge's body, and the red sergeant stumbled around.

"What the hell? How did I get here? Who in Sam hell spit on my visor!?" he asked.

"Hey, Tex, it's me Church. I'm here to bust you out," he explained to the Freelancer. "I possessed this guy to get to you."

"Okay." Tex shrugged. "Let's move then."

"…what? No questions about me being a ghost? Or me possessing someone?" he asked exasperatedly. "Seriously?"

"I can see through you," she pointed out dryly. "It's pretty obvious you're a fucking ghost. Asshole."

"Bitch. Let me possess this asshole again." Church jumped back into Sarge's body and they began to make their way out of the base. "Come on; Tucker and Caboose are keeping an eye on us."

He didn't even get five feet from the base before he heard a loud crack in the distance. The next thing he knew, everything was a dull shade of grey. "Wait, what? What the fuck happened?"

He looked around, and he groaned in annoyance. "Oh, you've gotta be fucking kidding me!"

He was dead. AGAIN.

Church wanted to scream in frustration. When he found Caboose, he was going to beat the living shit out of him. He knew that the idiotic soldier was responsible. Somehow. It was fucking Caboose; he was always responsible for dumb shit.

He punched a nearby rock, gnashing his teeth in fury. "Fuck! Why can't shit just go my way!? This is utter bullshit!" His punch didn't do much, though; instead, all it did was make his hand hurt like a bitch.

Church groaned in pain, and he rubbed his armored wrist. "Son of a bitch…" He looked at his surroundings with a sigh, his shoulders slumping. _'Well, fuck. What the hell am I going to do now? I don't think I can find a way back this time. Fuck me, man. Whoever thought being a ghost would be difficult?'_

He wanted to let fate choose someone else to be its whipping boy. He was more than content to sit around twiddling his thumbs for an eternity.

Only fate is an asshole and doesn't work like that.

Church barely had time to turn around and swear before he was blown up by his own tank. AGAIN.

"Oh, son of a—" _'Not again...'_

* * *

When the light of him exploding faded away, Church groaned in annoyance. He found himself standing in the middle of Blue Base. _'Great. Back in here. Fuck me, this place sucks.' _A quick look around told him he was in his own room, and he sighed before making his way over to his bed. He passed the large mirror that he hung up to admire his awesome body in, and his jaw dropped.

"No way. No fucking way. That is bullshit!" The mirror showed his own reflection, and it was not what he was used to. Long black hair with blue streaks. A pair of bright blue eyes.

A pair of fucking tits.

He was a goddamned girl.

"FUCKING SERIOUSLY!? I'M A FUCKING GIRL!?" he/she yelled. "What the fuck!?"

She punched the mirror and shattered it, hoping that it was some sort of stupid dream or a hallucination.

Nope. It wasn't.

The once handsome and awesome leader of the Blue Team was now a fucking girl, and it looked like Church was now stuck with it.

Church looked at her hands with a sigh, rubbing her head. "Well, fuck. As if fate wasn't enough of a bitch. Now I'm a goddamned girl."

"I just hope Tucker doesn't see this…I could really do without him being a perverted asshole."

Ten seconds later, his worst fear came true. Tucker waltzed in and grinned at her lazily.

"Hey baby, wanna pull up on my throttle? Bow chicka bow wow!"

Church didn't know whether to scream or punch him. She decided to settle for both.

_**A/N: XD I'm not sure what I was doing. Drunk me writes weird shit. Want more? XD tell me!**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N: So, chapter 2 came to me in the middle of the night as per usual. I admit I was surprised by the initial feedback XD. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 2***

Tucker had seen many weird things in his time at Blood Gulch. He had seen Captain Flowers, a seemingly perfectly healthy man, die of a fucking heart attack. He had witnessed the horrible monstrosity known as Tex use Caboose as target practice.

But seeing Church as a girl, and a damn hot one at that? Now that took the fucking cake.

"Get back here, you son of a bitch!" she screamed, her eyes filled with murderous intent as she leapt at him with a few swings of her fists. "You're fucking dead!"

"Woah, chill out, Church!" Tucker dodged the first few clumsy punches, a wide shit-eating smirk plastered on his face. "How the fuck was I supposed to know that you'd turn into a chick?"

Church either was too pissed off to hear him, or she did and just didn't give a fuck. The only thing that was going to calm her down was if she could beat the shit out of the perverted aqua soldier.

Yeah, fuck that. Tucker wasn't going to let that happen. Church may be a girl now, but she still looked like she would pack one mean punch if she was anything like the Church he remembered and slightly hated.

Tucker wasn't sure how to feel about this new…development. On one hand, this was Church. The guy who was a self loving asshole and possibly the worst shot in all of existence.

But on the other, she had a pretty damn good rack. Like, a REALLY good one. Tucker wasn't sure whether to be grossed out at the fact he was checking her out like a shameless pervert or just not care.

He settled for the latter. He couldn't help it.

Church had some nice tits.

He grinned at her and ran out of the room to avoid another pair of punches. "Ha! Missed me!"

"Fuck you! Get your ass back here, you son of a bitch!" Church screamed. She got her hands on a sniper rifle and fired it at him. However, this being Church, her shot went high and wild.

Tucker laughed at her angry swear as she smacked her rifle. "What's the matter, even as a girl you can't shoot straight? Don't worry; I can help you with that."

"Fuck you."

"Gladly. Just name the time and place, Tinkerbell. How about the rock?" Tucker asked with a smirk. He was enjoying this way too much. He thought normal angry Church was hilarious. But Church being a cute angry woman? That was even better.

"That's it. Fuck this; I'm joining the goddamn Reds." Church flipped him off and stormed passed him with an irritated huff that was simply too adorable for it to be Church. "I've had enough of this fucking team."

"Damn baby, nice shake! Can I get some fries with that!?" Tucker yelled after her with a grin.

_CRACK!_

"Missed, bitch!" Tucker grinned. "Gotta try harder to kill me, sweetcheeks!"

Church was too busy using every possible usage of the word 'fuck' in a single sentence to attempt to shoot him again. "Fuck this fucking canyon and every fucking thing in this fucking miserable fucking hellhole! FUCK IT!"

Tucker watched her storm off to the other side of the canyon, admiring the shake of her hips as she went, and he chuckled. "Damn. I never thought I'd ever want to sleep with Church. Words I never thought would ever leave my mouth."

Caboose wandered up to him, looking after Church in confusion. "Um, Tucker? Where's Church? And who's that new mean lady? Oh wait, I know! Is that Tex's girlfriend!?"

"What? No! Caboose, just shut the fuck up." Tucker rolled his eyes. "Don't worry about Church. She'll be fine."

"Um, Tucker? I know that seeing him get blown up—"

"Which was your fault. Asshole."

"May have been traumatizing, but Church is a guy. That's a girl," Caboose finished.

"Yeah, she was. But now Church is a girl. And a pretty cute one," Tucker said.

"…how does that even happen?"

"Dude, I have no fucking idea." Tucker shrugged. "All I know is that somehow her being angry with me is making me feel a certain way, and I like it. I think I found a new fetish or something."

"…but you only have two feet? There isn't another there."

"What? Caboose, I need a translator for you." Tucker could only sigh. He really was an idiot.

Tucker wondered how long Church would actually be gone for.

He'd give it only ten minutes before she came back seething. "Oh man, Tex will fucking _love_ this when she sees it."

* * *

Church stomped across Blood Gulch, seething the entire damn time. "Fucking bullshit. Why the hell am I a goddamn girl!? This doesn't make any fucking sense!" _'As if that wasn't bad enough, Tucker has the sheer nerve to try and hit on me! Ugh, disgusting pig.'_

'_Okay, think Church. There has to be a reasonable and logical explanation for this.'_

'…_oh fuck it, who the hell am I trying to kid? This makes no fucking sense even if I think about it! Goddammit. As if fate wasn't already out to get me.'_

She let out a sigh, wishing there was a way for her to rewind time so that she wouldn't have to suffer this shit. She'd start by killing Caboose when she had the chance. He was the source of all her problems.

…okay, maybe Tex was a part of a few, too. Fucking bitch.

Church growled at the thought of her ex girlfriend. If Tex didn't go and get captured, she'd still be a guy. Then again, it wasn't Tex who shot her with a tank.

Yep, it was still Caboose's fault.

She kicked at a rock in annoyance, sending it flying. It landed next to the Red Team's sergeant, who was still somehow alive. "Wait, what!? How the fuck is he alive!?" _'He was shot in the head! He should be dead!'_

And yet here he was, looking no worse for wear. He turned to look at her with a shotgun in his hands, chuckling. "Well, well, well. Look what we have here. Are you lost, Princess Peach?"

"Oh, fuck off!" Church hissed, in no mood for this shit from the sergeant too.

_CRACK!_

"…how the hell did you miss him?" the fat orange soldier asked, blowing a cloud of cigarette smoke out of his helmet.

"Fuck!" Church smacked her hand against her sniper rifle, growling at it. "Who keeps messing with the sights on this thing!?"

"Wait a minute…Church, is that you?" the maroon one asked. "What…what the hell happened to you?"

Church sighed and lowered her rifle. She lacked the motivation to do anything apart from crash on the nearest bed and call it a night, even though it was currently in the middle of the day. "Dude, I don't fucking know. Normally, I'd love to waste my time trying to kill you, but I don't have the will to really do it. Not today, man. I just need to get away from my team."

"You mean that bitch in black and that idiot in teal?" the sergeant asked. "Heh, we could do with another lady on the team. Maybe you can teach Donut how to paint nails?"

"Fuck you."

"Get used to it, Buttercup."

"That does it. I'm killing you first."

_CRACK!_

"Oh come on! Seriously!?" Church gave up trying to shoot the sergeant and instead opted to just push past them. "I'm going to bed. If my team for some reason decides to attack…do me a solid and kill them all. Less headaches for all of us."

The Reds were too surprised to really say or do anything about the new temporary addition to their team.

Grif just wanted a place to nap. Simmons was trying not to blush. Sarge?

Eh, he wanted to know how female Church would be once she had a few drinks in her. Maybe she'd give up valuable information about the enemy…

_**A/N: XD I'm having too much fun with this. Thanks to Kryheart for helping out with this XD. **_

_**C. Strife #5371 **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter three of this crack. The note will be a little longer than normal, just to clarify a few things. **_

_**1: Yes, this does take place in Season 1 of RvB. **_

_**2: We WILL see the Freelancers eventually. But that's…not for a long time lol. Bear with me on that one, okay?**_

_**3: This is pretty much a light hearted crack fic that I write alongside my heavier, much darker works (especially my Elder Scrolls story). If updates seem slow, know it's because I usually write the chapter for ES first before I write this one.**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 3***

After failing to kill Sarge twice in a span of about ten minutes, Church decided to raid the Red Base's fridge to see if they had any good snacks left. Or a few beers. After the shit she had just gone through, she could use a drink or two.

Okay, maybe three. Or perhaps an entire six pack. Eh, fuck it. Not like Tucker was around to ruin everything like he usually did.

Church opened the fridge, saw the fresh six pack of beer hanging in the door, and helped herself. The slightly bitter taste slid down her throat, but it wasn't anything she wasn't already used to; she was pretty sure Tucker's arrival in Blood Gulch increased her alcohol consumption to the point where she'd need a liver transplant.

Hey, she needed a coping mechanism to deal with his bullshit, right?

Church took a few more healthy chugs, gulping it down and wiping her lips. This new body was definitely a little shorter than she was accustomed to, and she didn't like the way Tucker kept staring at her newly formed assets.

She looked down at the pair of breasts she now had, and she remembered all the bad nipple jokes he and Tucker would make about girls having a problem with their nipples rubbing on their breastplate. _'Fuck, this is probably karma for all those jokes about irritated nipples.'_

"So, uh, Church. Do you…have a second?" a nervous Simmons asked.

Church rolled her eyes, taking another swig of beer and leaning against the fridge. "Dude, I have nothing but seconds. The fuck do you want?" _'How did I even end up here again?'_

'_Oh, right. The military is a fucking cocksucker, that's how. Fuck this goddamned canyon.'_

She really hated the military right now.

"Well…Sarge wants to talk," Simmons replied, not looking at her directly. "He said to meet him outside in a few hours."

"Dude, seriously? You could've waited a few hours before coming to get me." Church rolled her eyes and brushed passed him towards the armory to do some maintenance work on her sniper rifle. "Tell that old man I'll be in the armory getting drunk and working on my rifle."

"But he thinks you're a threat."

"Seriously? What fucking threat can I possibly be? Our team is fucking terrible."

"…I think he's just insane," Simmons sheepishly admitted. "I mean, we're not that great, either. Grif's a lazy fatass, Lopez can't speak fucking English, and Donut…well, let's not go there."

"You mean that pink chick?" Church asked.

"Donut's a guy. He just wears pink armor." Simmons face-palmed. "I don't get it either."

"It's not pink, it's light-ish red!" Donut protested from his room. "And keep it down! You're disturbing my wine and cheese hour!"

Church and Simmons looked at each other, and the new woman just sighed. "Do I even want to fucking know?"

"No. You really don't." Simmons shook his head in despair. "If you value your sanity at all, just ignore Donut. It's what the rest of us do once he starts talking."

Church shook her head and headed out. "Will do." _'Great. I went from one annoying team to a team that's exactly the same. Does absolutely everything here have to fucking suck?'_

'_Oh wait. It wouldn't be Blood Gulch if it wasn't terrible.' _Church glanced at her sniper rifle, her eyes narrowing in annoyance. She refused to believe that it was her aim that was the problem. Someone had to be taking it away when she wasn't looking and fucking with the sights on it. That had to be it. It was the only explanation that made a single lick of sense.

The armory, like the rest of Red Base, was completely filled with red lights and banners. The sight of it was starting to test her already thin patience, and she rolled her eyes. "Christ…don't they know any other colors apart from red? Fucking hell."

She set her sniper rifle on the workbench and removed the scope, frowning as she stared at it. Someone indeed had been messing with her precious rifle's sights. "I fucking knew it. assholes." _'I bet it was Tucker's fault. It sounds exactly like him. Fucking cockbiting fucktard.' _

'_Ugh. That sounds like something Tex would say.' _Church grimaced at the thought of becoming like her ex girlfriend. She was nothing like Tex. Tex was a bitch. Church was cool and devilishly awesome in every possible way.

'_Hmm…I wonder how Tex is going with Tucker and Caboose. I bet she's trying hard not to kill them.' _She shrugged, fixed her rifle's sights, and put the weapon back together.

Once fully assembled, Church looked through the scope of her rifle and fired at a random set of red armor standing upright in the corner. The high velocity bullet sank right in the middle of the shiny golden visor, and Church lowered her rifle with a grin, pushing her hair out of her face. "Holy shit. I fucking hit something! I knew the sniper rifle was awesome!"

She was so ecstatic about hitting a target for the first time in her life, she took picked up her half empty beer and chugged the rest of its contents.

She tossed the bottle into the corner, grinning when she heard it shatter, and she made her way outside to talk to Sarge. Church stopped in the kitchen to grab another few beers, one for her and one for Sarge.

"Hey, Sarge! What the hell do you want?" she asked, her rifle across the magnetic plates on her armor. She opened her beer and took a few gulps, smacking her lips.

Sarge turned to look at her, staring at her. He was working on the Warthog with that robot Lopez, and he chuckled as she handed him a drink. "Ah, look at that. Someone knows how to treat a superior with respect."

He took a swig, wiping his large mustache. "Now, Blue, do you know why I called you out here today?"

"No. Is it to get drunk and tell great stories of how our teams both suck?" Church asked dryly, rolling her eyes. "Because if we do, we'll need a lot more beer. We'll be here for a long time."

"No, Buttercup," Sarge said with a growl. "I came to ask you a very important question."

Church's eyebrow rose, and her curiosity was piqued. "Okay, I'm listening."

Sarge looked at the Warthog, frowning. "Does…does this look like some sort of big cat or something?"

"…what, like a puma?"

_**A/N: XD I'm sorry, I couldn't resist ending it here. How will Sarge react to a puma? :P**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N: Hello and welcome to chapter four. Been a bit of a delay I admit, but I felt the need to get this one out before I went to work XD. Enjoy!**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 4***

Simmons was just finishing mopping the floors of Red Base when his ears caught the wondrous voice of his sergeant. The old man was drunkenly singing horribly at the top of his lungs about his car being like a puma, and Simmons was torn between finishing his duties like the obedient little private he was and going outside to see what the fuck was going on. _'What would Sarge do in this situation?'_

'_He'd make Donut do it.' _Simmons cleared his throat loudly (drawing the ire of Grif as he to the fridge to grab another beer) and called out for his teammate. "Hey, Donut! Sarge wants you to finish cleaning the floors!"

"What? Why? I thought that was your job!" Donut yelled, poking his head out of his room with a glass of red wine in his hand. "It's still my wine and cheese hour for another two minutes!"

Simmons rolled his eyes under his helmet and sighed. Of course he knew it was still Donut's stupid little time he had for himself. He just didn't care; the pink soldier annoyed the fuck out of him and the sooner he got to work like the rookie he was, the better.

"Just fucking do it," he grumbled. "Sarge's orders."

"But my nails will get chi—"

"DONUT!"

"Fine, I'll do it! Sheesh Simmons, you need to take some yoga classes or something to get rid of all that negativity," Donut said, downing the rest of his wine in one gulp and giggling as he came out with his helmet in hand.

Simmons thrusted the mop into his hands and stormed away from him, making Grif chuckle. "Want to kill him already, don't you?"

"Yes." The maroon soldier scowled at his teammate's pimply face. "He's stupid, annoying, and I really want either Church or that chick in black to beat him within inches of his life." _'That's it. I fucking hate him. Even more than the Blues. Well, Church isn't too bad for a Blue.'_

That last bit definitely was not a certain part of his anatomy doing the talking. Nope. He was even enough of a gentleman not to check out the sway of her hips, either. Even Grif hadn't said anything, and that was the biggest surprise. Simmons expected Grif to say some kind of smart ass remark or compliment her body. _'I'm amazed he's kept his mouth shut about it this long.'_

"You know, Church is pretty hot as a chick," Grif said, finishing his beer and leaving the bottle on the counter to drive Simmons' OCD over the edge again. "She's got a nice ass."

There it was.

'_Never mind. Fucking asshole.' _Simmons sighed and was half-tempted to smack Grif over the head with the empty beer bottle. "You do realize that's Church, right? The asshole who has been trying to kill us?"

"Yeah. I also know that she's currently the only girl on our team," Grif replied with a shrug. He reached into one of the pouches on his chest armor and pulled out a pack of full flavor cigarettes, sticking one in his mouth. He lit it with a shiny black lighter and puffed out a cloud of smoke, whistling. "Goddamn. That shit hit the spot. Want one?"

Simmons gasped in horror. "What!? No! What the fuck do I look like to you!?"

"A nerd who needs to chill the fuck out from time to time," Grif said. He blew his next cloud of smelly smoke right into Simmons's face, making him gag horribly as it got through his suit's filters.

"Dude, what the fuck!?" Simmons coughed and tried to swat the smoke away, his hand flailing desperately at the hazy air. "You know I hate cigarettes!"

"Take one. I guarantee you'll enjoy it." Grif smirked and waggled one in front of him, trying to entice him in taking one of the god awful things.

"Fuck no." Simmons backed away, flat out refusing to take it. "I'm a vegan!"

"Tch. Pussy."

"Fuck you, jackass. I'm going outside."

"Why, to kiss Sarge's ass some more? Or maybe you want to call him 'Dad' from now on?" Grif smirked.

"Shut up, fatass." Simmons rolled his eyes and walked away from his teammate. How he put up with them for this long without snapping and committing mass murder, he didn't know. _'I hate them. I hate all of them.'_

He grabbed a magnum from the armory before he headed outside. He wanted to have a weapon on him in case the Blues decided to attack. He doubted they would, seeing as they were fucking lazy, but he couldn't be too careful.

When he got outside, he was greeted with a drunkenly singing Sarge and a smug Church. His jaw fell open at the sight, his eyes wide as saucers. "What…the actual fuck happened?" _'No way. Why is Sarge drunk?'_

Church looked over at him, and she smirked. "Oh, hey it's the nerd. No robots out here for you. Sorry."

Simmons refused to come back with a snarky remark, even though her comment definitely stung a bit. He wasn't a nerd, he was an intellectual! He'd have the last laugh when he was in charge. "Um, what did you do to Sarge?"

"I didn't do anything. He's too much of a bitch to handle his shit," Church replied, shrugging. "Shit man, I thought he'd be able to handle a few beers. What kind of sergeant can't out-drink his own subordinates?"

Simmons looked at the many empty bottles around her on the ground, and he narrowed his eyes. "How many of those are yours?"

"Eight or nine."

"Seriously? How the fuck are you still standing?"

"Dunno. I'm not bitching about it though. This new body isn't half bad. If I could just get over the fact that I can't write my name in the sand with my piss anymore, that would be fuckin' great."

"…is that really what's been bothering you the most? You turned into a fucking girl, and that's your biggest complaint?"

"Yeah, kinda." Church gave a shrug, throwing an empty bottle at the Warthog. The sound of breaking glass broke Sarge out of his drunken singing, and he stumbled.

"Hey! Who in Sam hell is breaking shit!?" he yelled.

"Grif," Church and Simmons said at the same time. Both looked at each other in surprise; they didn't expect to both say the name of the fat soldier.

"Don't do this shit to me," Church muttered. "Otherwise, I'll have my ex kill you."

Simmons thought about the words she just said as Sarge went off to beat the living shit out of Grif for the umpteenth time, and he frowned. "Wait…you dated a girl."

"Yeah."

"…"

"What?"

"Does that now make you a lesbian?" he asked.

Church let her head crash on the Warthog with a groan, drawing the ire of Lopez as he came out from the work shed with a can of motor oil in hand. "Oh for…I can hear Tucker wanting to see me and Tex make out in front of him now."

"Tucker? You mean that annoying dude in the teal armor?" Simmons asked. "Or is it aqua? Turquoise?"

"Dude, I don't fucking know. I haven't figured out what color his armor is, and I've been here as long as you," Church sighed. "And yes, he's fucking annoying. He's the only reason I'm actually over here."

"Wait, why?"

"He kept hitting on me, and for some reason I couldn't hit him with my rifle."

"You mean because your aim is shit." Simmons smirked.

"Fuck you." Church gave him an irritated look and the middle finger. "My aim is fine."

Simmons laughed. Yep, that was the Church he knew and actually didn't hate all that much. If anything, Simmons felt bad for her. Dying was bad enough, but being killed and turned into a chick? That had to be the worst thing ever.

They both heard Grif suddenly start screaming in pain from within the base, along with mad cackles and shotgun blasts, and Church raised an eyebrow. "Shit. Is this normal for you guys?"

"Yeah, pretty much." Simmons shrugged. "We all hate him. I think even Lopez does, and he doesn't even fucking speak."

"Huh." Church tapped her chin. "That explains why he didn't answer me when I asked him where the tool kit was. I thought he was just ignoring me."

"No. He's not too bad, once you get to know him a little. He hates Grif, and that's enough for me to like him," Simmons said, looking at the Warthog. The word 'Puma' had been spray painted on the side in the most ridiculous shade of bubblegum pink, and he groaned. "Why did you write 'Puma' on the side of the Warthog?"

"Because it definitely looks more like a cat than a pig. Just saying." Church smirked.

"It has fucking tusks! Name an animal with tusks!" Simmons scowled under his helmet.

"…a walrus." Church laughed at the scream of frustration Simmons let out at her answer.

"GODDAMMIT!"

Okay, hearing it once? That was just Grif being a dumbass. But twice, and from a different person? Simmons was sure someone was purposely fucking with him.

He pointed at her accusingly. "Grif put you up to this, didn't he?" _'He had to. Why else would she say walrus?'_

"Dude, I have no fuckin' idea what you're going on about. I just think this looks like some sort of cat." Church grinned. "Even Tucker thought the same thing when we were spying on you earlier with the sniper rifle."

"Wait…you had a long range weapon in your hands." The maroon soldier froze.

"Yep."

"And you could see us very clearly through the scope as well as the…vehicle."

"Uh huh."

"…"

"…"

"…why the fuck didn't you shoot Grif?" he asked. "Sarge probably would've paid you in beer or something."

"Because we were told not to shoot by Command," Church sighed. "Believe me, I wanted to. But we were told not to shoot unless you decided to steal our flag. Which you did. Asshole."

"Please. Donut thought he was buying it at the fucking store," Simmons said with a scoff. "And you gave it to him."

"Not me. I was out inspecting our tank. That you fucking blew up." Church's eyes narrowed. "I'm not forgiving you for that."

"You attacked us!"

"You stole our flag!"

Both of them glared at each other for several tense seconds, and then Church finally sucked her teeth and turned her attention back to the Puma as it was now called. "Hey, Simmons? I want your opinion on something."

"What?" he asked, being a good person and not looking at her rear end like Grif. Nope. Wasn't tempting at all. _'Don't be like Grif. She was once a guy. Remember that.' _

Church picked up a wrench and gestured to the Puma's heavy machinegun. "Do you think Sarge would bitch at me if I put a few rocket launchers on the back of this instead of a machinegun?"

"I'm not sure it would work," Simmons said. "I think it would be too much torque or something."

"I didn't ask for a fucking science lesson. I asked if he'd be pissed, you goddamned nerd." Church rolled her eyes.

"Well…no," he admitted. "He'd probably use it to kill Grif though."

"Good enough for me. Maybe he can do me a solid and kill Tucker while he's at it." Church immediately went to work on the Puma, carefully unscrewing the bolts that held the gun in place. "Oh, and if for some reason my team decides to attack, make sure you hit Tucker as hard as you can. I haven't forgiven him for saying I had nice tits."

"Isn't your team worried about you though?" Simmons asked.

"Hmm…" Church frowned and finished prying off one of the bolts. "Now that you mention it, I do wonder how everything's going over there."

* * *

Tucker had been in scary situations before. But right now he was absolutely terrified. He had just gotten out of the shower, and standing right in front of the door was a very angry blonde woman with an assault rifle currently pointed at his treasured manhood.

"Tucker," Tex growled. "You have until I count to three to explain where the fuck my ex is, or I will destroy the part of your anatomy you value most."

Tucker forgot all about his hands being the only thing keeping his towel around his waist and put them up in the air, backing up until he was against the wall. "Um…Church is…it's pretty hard to explain."

"One."

"Come on, give me a break!"

"Two." The bolt was pulled back.

"Okay, shit!" Tucker didn't want her to get pissed off and shoot him; he knew damn well how scary Tex was in the hour he had seen her in action. She was like some sort of half woman, half shark. Except the shark half had been given cybernetic powers and the woman half was one quarter jaguar.

"Well, where do I start?" he sighed. "Church…became a chick somehow after getting killed by Caboose again. I may have made a few comments on her body and she went over to Red Base."

"Is that so?" Tex looked at her rifle for a few moments before slamming her armored fist dead center in his chest.

Tucker immediately fell over, gasping hard for air. "W-what the fuck was that for!?"

"Look, if anyone's going to be hitting on my ex, it's me," she growled. "Now, get your ass dressed and get her the fuck back here."

"…wait, you're not surprised at the whole, 'Church is a girl now' thing? Seriously?" Tucker asked once his breath came back and Tex's rifle was no longer pointed at his crotch. He was almost ashamed about having an erection in spite of the threat of being killed.

"Eh, not really." Tex smirked and slung her rifle over her shoulder.

"He bitched like one when we dated."

_**A/N: Bit of a longer chapter to make up for the delay. I hope you enjoyed XD. Yes, the many horrible jokes will continue. I can't wait until we reach Season 4 and 5. Those are without a doubt my favorite of the Blood Gulch era. See you soon!**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: So, I've got a new chapter for you all. I hope you enjoy it XD**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 5***

Tucker let out a groan as he plodded across the canyon, kicking a loose rock in irritation. "Stupid Church and her fucking anger issues…why the hell is it always me who has to deal with this bullshit?" _'Come on, how the hell was I supposed to know that Church would die and turn into a hot chick? It's not fair!'_

He wanted to tell Tex to go fuck herself and get Church back herself instead of making him do it, but Tucker was smart enough to not piss her off. He had seen her use Caboose as target practice for nothing more than shits and giggles, and he definitely didn't want to get on her bad side. Not when it would result in him either losing his manhood entirely or getting beaten to death with his own severed head. Tucker involuntarily shuddered at the thought of the short tempered Freelancer viciously mauling his manhood using heinous torture devices that might be seen in a horror movie. _'…if I have a choice between a painful death and getting Church back, I'll take the latter any day of the fucking week.'_

He needed that part of his anatomy for when he finally pounded that ass into next week. _'…oh goddammit. They need to make the codpiece on this armor a little roomier. Every time I get hard, my fucking dick feels like it is being squashed by a giraffe.'_ He wasn't going to deny that Church was hot as a chick. He'd definitely sleep with her, if he could get away with it.

Something though told him that he would never get away with it. It most definitely wasn't the terrifying monster that was called Texas. Nope. Not even now, looking at him cross the canyon with a sniper rifle in her hands and occasionally firing warning shots at his heels to make sure he kept walking.

_CRACK!_

"For fuck's sake Tex, can you please stop shooting at me?" he pleaded over the COMs. "I get it!"

"_Fuck no. One, no one gets to hit on my ex but me. Two, you are an asshole," _she shot back with a growl. _"Now get moving."_

_CRACK!_

That shot barely missed his head, and he broke into a full run. "Shit! I said I fucking get it! Stop shooting, you fucking psychotic bitch!" _'Why is it that the one girl we get on our team turns out to be a rotten bitch with cybernetic powers? What the fuck?' _

He heard a demonic chuckle from Tex and that encouraged him to run even faster. He did not want to get shot today. Fuck that._ 'Well, now's there also Church who is a girl. But that's Church. The one guy I can actually tolerate on the team. I'm not sticking my dick in a former dude.'_

Tucker saw the Red Base in the distance, and he gulped when he heard loud explosions coming from that side of the canyon, followed by loud shotgun blasts and awful Spanish music. "For fuck's sake, what the hell is that music!?"

The music grew louder as he approached, and he was shocked to see Church hanging out with the Reds. His leader had a shotgun in one hand and an open can of beer in the other, cackling as she shot at some fatass in orange armor.

Part of him wasn't surprised. He knew that Church liked drinking beer when she was a dude. Tucker missed the good old days when he and Church would get shitfaced drunk and yell random insults at the Reds from the ridge. He liked it when it was simple.

Tucker waved over to Church, yelling over the awful music blaring from the car the Reds had. "Hey, Church! What the fuck are you doing!? Have you finally lost it!?"

Church looked at him and rolled her eyes, motioning for the guy in maroon to lower the music a bit. "The fuck do you want, Tucker?"

"Your ex told me to come and bring you back to base," Tucker replied, gasping for breath. "Holy shit dude, you might have wanted to tell me that she was a fucking psychopath. She nearly killed me!"

"Aw, let me feel some sympathy for you." Church rolled her eyes. "Try getting killed twice, and then being thrown back into the worst spot in your life as a goddamned chick. Once that happens, then we'll compare notes." There it was. Girl or no girl, Church was still an asshole. He missed that part of her.

Tucker sniffled mockingly, pretending to wipe a tear away from his helmet. "There she is. That's the Church I know and don't hate. Now how about we go back to base, Pretty Princess?"

"Up yours, dickhead." Church flipped him off with a huff, and the two stared at each other before they started to snicker. It eventually broke out into full blown laughter, and Church threw the empty beer can at him with a smirk. "Fine. I'll go back. But I swear to God, if you try and come onto me, I'm going to let Tex do whatever she wants to your corpse until she gets bored."

"Deal. Sorry dude."

"Accepted."

"…so, what do you say we give the Reds a nice goodbye present?" Tucker asked with a smirk, holding up a grenade. "I think this is a good gift for them. What about you?"

"I got something better." Church grinned, plucked her sniper rifle from her back armor, and fired it at the stereo in the jeep. To their relief, the god awful music stopped, and Tucker definitely averted his gaze to not look at her ass. He was going to keep his end of the deal.

'_Fuck. Why the hell does the other chick on the team have to previously have been a dude? This shit is confusing. Does this make me gay if I want to stick my dick in someone who was once a guy but is now a chick?'_

He wasn't sure of the answer, but he was just glad to not be brutally mutilated by Tex. She was terrifying on a whole new level. "Hey, Church?"

"Yeah?"

"…how does it feel being a lesbian, now that you're a chick and dated a girl?"

Church groaned in annoyance as the aqua soldier laughed. "Oh goddammit. Something tells me that Tex is already cackling like a lunatic."

"You have no idea…" Tucker shook his head and sighed.

Somehow, the walk back to base seemed to take a lot fucking longer. At least he had someone who he could shoot the shit with on the way back. "You know something?"

"What?" Church asked, slinging her rifle against her shoulder with a bored expression on her face.

"Caboose is guaranteed not to teamkill you this time around. He'll be totally confused as to who you are." He grinned.

"…holy shit, you're right." Church chuckled. "At least I'll not have that to worry about. But there's still Tex to deal with. I need her to stay for at least a little longer."

"Why?" Now it was Tucker's turn to be confused, though his thoughts went to something dirty as usual. "Is it for you to have sex?"

"No, you jackass." She rolled her eyes. "Remember how I told you she got enlisted in that special military program during basic?"

"Yeah. What about it?" Tucker didn't want to be reminded of the many times she came close to beating him to death in a span of five seconds.

"Well, they gave her a really aggressive AI, called Omega. I have to find a way to get it out of her head before it ruins her mental state completely," Church said, and she pulled the bolt back on her rifle. "If anyone's going to drive my girlfriend nuts, it's going to be me."

"How romantic. Maybe you should take her out to dinner first."

"Fuck you."

"Gladly. Name a time and place."

"Asshole."

It was good to have his team leader and friend back. Even if she was kind of a bitch.

_**A/N: And here we are. Hope you enjoyed, and as always, tell me what you think. I'll see you all soon, and if you're interested in adding me on Xbox, here's my gamertag: DPLxStrife**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N: Well, after a bit of a delay, here's chapter six. Thanks to everyone who's followed/favorited this. It's much more entertaining than I thought…**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 6***

When Church and Tucker arrived back at Blue Base, the two of them making shitty jokes at each other's expense as per the usual, Tex was waiting for them. The Freelancer was surprisingly quiet and with an assault rifle in her hands, and Church let out a heartfelt swear as she saw her ex. "Ah fuck. Hey Tex. Long time no see?"

Tex didn't reply back; instead, she sat there quietly, and Church rolled her eyes. "Oh for fuck's sake, if you're going to laugh at me, just fucking do it already."

Tex took her up on her generous offer and started to snicker, wiping a bit of sand from the corners of her visor. "Holy shit. You really are a girl now."

"Yeah. All because I went to fucking rescue you after you got captured by a bunch of idiots. Bitch."

"Asshole."

"So, am I like free to go or whatever? I really don't want to sit here and watch two lesbians fight. Unless it's gonna turn into hate sex," Tucker said with a massive grin. "Hey, I know! I could be the meat in the sandwich! Bow chicka bow wow!"

'_I'm gonna fucking kill him one day, I really am.' _Church sent her perverted teammate her best glare, though it probably turned him on more than it scared him, for his smirk never left his face. "I'm going to kill you. And it'll be slow and painful."

"Aww baby, don't be so cold!" Tex laughed, thumping her hard on the back. Good God, even when the woman tried to be affectionate she ended up hurting someone. "Let him have a few jabs. Then you get to kill him. It's a win-win situation."

"Not for me, I'm dead!" Tucker protested. "And I don't get laid!"

"Not our fault." Tex smirked at Church in a way that made her both aroused and terrified. She'd know that smirk anywhere, and she tried to back up away from her ex before she could enact her nefarious plans.

'_Oh hell no. I know that smirk. That's the same one she wore whenever we'd have bondage sex and I'd be tied down to the bed for three fucking hours unable to get off thanks to her edging.' _For the first time as a woman, Church felt fear. To her disappointment, it felt exactly the same as it did when she was a man. _'Well, great. I'm fucked.'_

'_Wait a fucking minute! I was once a guy, and now Tucker is trying to get between my fucking legs! Doesn't that make him…?' _A devilish idea formed in her head on how to mess with her teammate back, and she shook her head. "Oh Tucker. You disappoint me. In your incredible desperation to attempt to bed me, you've neglected to realize something."

"What?"

"I was once a guy. Dumbass. Even if now I have this hot bod, I still am a guy inside. And I cannot believe those words actually left my mouth."

Tucker was silent, and for a brief moment she wondered if she finally succeeded in getting him to shut the fuck up for once. However, her victory was short lived like all her past relationships, for Tucker opened his mouth again.

"Dude, I don't give a shit. I honestly do not care. The only things preventing me from pinning you against the wall and fucking your brains out are your scary ex and the fact that you'd probably kill me if she didn't." Tucker shrugged. "So, I'll settle for making shitty jokes until you decide to come on to me. I like it when a girl takes charge."

There it was.

Church looked at Tex, and then back at Tucker. Looked at Tex again, and back to her horny teammate once more. She handed her sniper rifle to her ex girlfriend, smirking. "Five bucks says you can't hit him before he gets back into base."

"Oh, it is on Blue Tits." Tex took the rifle with a cackle and pulled the bolt back, prompting Tucker to run for his life.

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit!" He started to run as fast as his legs could carry him, ducking as a sniper round narrowly missed his head. "Hey, watch it you crazy bitch! You could've killed me!"

"Run, run, little ducky~." Tex laughed and fired at him again, this time right between his legs. "I've got a nice little treat for you~!"

Church watched as Tucker ran for his life, reaching the safety of Blue Base in record time thanks to him not wanting to be murdered. "You know Tex, I ought to thank you. You've just given me the perfect idea to whip these guys into shape. I'll call it, 'Run Little Ducklings'."

"You can thank me another way, Leonard. Oh wait, it's Leona now, isn't it?" Tex smirked and lowered her rifle, slapping five bucks into her hand. "This is gonna be a little difficult to remember."

"Don't fucking lie." Church scoffed. "You probably howled with laughter when Tucker told you I was now a girl."

"I plead the Fifth." Tex tossed her rifle back to her.

"Bitch."

"On your period already? I don't think I brought some Midol with me."

"Oh fuck you." Church rolled her eyes and jogged back to base with Tex right alongside her. "Hey, Tex? Are…are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, why?" she asked.

"Well…I've been thinking. I want to help you get that thing out of your head," she admitted. "Yeah, we don't have the best fucking history. I know that. But it all started once you got pulled into that fucking military program and they implanted you with that AI. If we can get it out then maybe…?"

"Maybe what, Church?" Tex asked.

"I don't fucking know." Church rolled her eyes. "Maybe give each other another shot or something. I just hate fucking yelling and bitching at you all the time. I actually want to go back to when we weren't trying to rip each other's throats out."

"Did you becoming a girl turned into a hopeless romantic or something?" Tex grinned.

"Tex! I'm fucking serious!" Dammit, sometimes she couldn't stand her ex girlfriend. "That thing is turning you insane. The sooner we get it out, the better. I miss the times we actually enjoyed together. We weren't miserable."

"Well, what do you suppose we do?" Tex snapped. "Neither of us knows how to do medical procedures."

"True. We don't." A plan formed in her head, and she grinned. "Buuuut…I bet we could get a medic to come here."

"And how do you propose we do that?" Tex asked. "Ask Command nicely?"

"No. We injure someone on the team. Like this." Church aimed at someone who had caused her a great deal of mental distress and fired.

_CRACK!_

"…did you just fucking shoot your own teammate?" Tex stared in awe.

"He'll live." Church waved her hand dismissively. "It'll take more than that to kill that moron."

"Ow, ow! The mean lady shot me! Wait…where's Church? Why are there two mean ladies now?"

"Now, we call for a medic."

_**A/N: I'm sorry…XD. But I'll be honest, this was the first idea I had for this and just went for it lol. Plus, it'll give me the chance to fuck with Doc's mental state. Even more fun, yay!**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N: So, here's our good old chapter seven :D This fic is so much fun, I don't know how I didn't come up with this idea sooner XD. So, how will Doc react to seeing someone who was once a dude be a chick? XD. As always, thanks to everyone who takes the time to review/favorite/follow this story. Your support means a lot!**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 7***

Medical Officer DuFresne sighed when he saw one of the simulation bases come into his view. A single ruined Scorpion class battle tank was being repaired by an attractive blonde woman in black armor, yet despite her looks the medic was unable to suppress a shiver of fear as he approached her; the aura she gave off screamed, 'Don't fuck with me' in bright lightish red letters.

"Um, excuse me? Are you the one who put in a call for a medic?" DuFresne asked nervously, fumbling with the purple scanner he carried at all times.

The blonde looked at him disdainfully and wiped a smear of engine oil from her face, glaring, but she didn't say anything. For a moment, the medic was terrified she was going to use the wrench in her hands to beat him to death.

But, he was thankfully saved by another woman, this one wearing powder blue armor and carrying a sniper rifle in her hands. "No, I did. Dude, what the hell did you do, fucking crawl here? We put in that call a week ago."

Great. So much for hoping he'd have a nice warm welcome. Twenty minutes ago, he was having a nice morning stroll through a quiet desert canyon and munching on his salad. Now, he had two gorgeous and rather irritated women looking at him as if they wanted to rip his arms off and use them to applaud his death. Or use his spine as a coat hanger.

"I came as quickly as I could," the medic replied defensively. "So, where's the patient?"

"He's in the base." The woman in blue jerked her thumb towards the Blue Base. "He's currently wailing about me shooting him."

"I can't believe Lady Church shot me in the foot!" someone cried from within the base, prompting the woman to roll her eyes.

"Oh, don't even fucking start, asshole! You fucking blew me up and shot me in the head!" she snapped, earning a chuckle from the blonde working on the tank.

"…I take it his foot is bothering him." DuFresne blinked stupidly under his helmet and pulled out his medical scanner. "I'll go give him some cookies and orange juice."

"Uh, no you're not, jackass," Church snapped. "His toe fell off three days ago, and we buried it out back. We need you for something else."

"Um, I'm just a medic! I'm not a doctor!" he protested.

"Shut up, moron." Church grabbed him by the shoulder and gestured to the blonde. "Are you familiar with AIs at all?"

"Uh, somewhat?" The medic was starting to fear for his life now as he was dragged over to the scary lady, and he tried to dig his heels into the soft sand to prevent himself from getting any closer. That woman really scared the shit out of him.

"Good. Get this fucker out of my girlfriend's head then." Church pointed to the back of the blonde's head, where he could see the faint outline of an artificial intelligence unit. "I have a few nice words for this dickwad. Most of them involve the words 'asshole' and 'fuck'."

DuFresne didn't know why they couldn't just call like normal people. He was a pacifist, he would've been glad to assist in any kind of medical procedure if they asked him nicely. "Um, I'll do my best."

"You better. If you tamper with anything, I'm going to kill you," Church threatened, pulling the bolt back on her rifle. "Get to it."

With his hands shaking, the medical officer got to work. "O-okay…"

He really hoped Church wouldn't point her rifle at his crotch. It was making him feel tingly in his suit, and not in a good way. _'I do hope that's not pee...' _

Somehow, he didn't think he was that lucky.

He knelt down next to the blonde and aimed his medical device at the back of her head, charging it up. _'I really hope this works.'_ If it didn't, he didn't want to think what was going to happen.

His device hissed and spat out a glob of glowing energy, and the blonde yelped out in shock. "H-hey!" Church's rifle was aimed at the medic's head in an instant, and this time the he definitely pissed himself.

"Church, don't kill him." The blonde sat up and rubbed the back of her head, grimacing as she yanked out a bloody AI chip. "I think it worked. I heard a scream, and then nothing."

"Good." Church leaned toward the chip with her eyes furious. "You hear that, asshole!? Stay the fuck away from my girlfriend, you fucktard!"

"You know, I feel a certain type of way whenever you raise your voice like that." The blonde smirked suggestively, and Church's face turned red from embarrassment. "I like it."

"Woah, Tex! Not now! Where the fuck did you even find handcuffs!?"

DuFresne decided to make himself scarce for a few hours. Maybe he'd check in on the guy who got shot in the foot. He just hoped they had orange juice.

* * *

Director Leonard Church was not someone who took excuses or appreciated any form of ignorance. He was in the business of getting results, and with the war over he needed to make sure that no loose ends were left untied. Agent Texas was still rogue and missing in action, and she possessed the Omega AI unit. If she somehow managed to get it out of her head and handed it over to the UNSC, he would be caught in some serious shit.

She may have worn the same face as his deceased wife, but she was not his Allison. The Allison he knew would never do the things she did. She wouldn't try and kill him.

The Director closed the file he had received from one of his command outposts across the galaxy, folding his hands in his lap and turning around as a handsome young man entered his quarters. His left eye had a nasty scar, and his brown hair was still messy as he approached. "You wanted to see me, sir?"

"Yes, agent. At ease," the Director ordered quietly. He hated having to raise his voice. "I have an important mission for you."

The Freelancer glanced at the files still open on the Director's computer, and a brief flash of regret crossed his features. "You found her, didn't you?" Of course he'd regret ever helping her. He lost his own lover the same day Texas escaped the MOI, so long ago. The poor son of a bitch must be thinking how it was his fault for believing her story.

"Correct," the Director replied smoothly. "Agent Texas has been found in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha, and it has been confirmed she still possesses the Omega AI. Your mission, agent, is to eliminate Texas and retrieve the AI unit before she can hand it over to the UNSC. Failure is not an option. If anyone stands in your way, kill them."

The handsome Freelancer bowed his head, sighing in resignation. Looking at him now, it was hard to believe this man was one of the best lockpicks in the UNSC. "As you wish, Director. I'll set out immediately."

"Good. You are dismissed, agent. Report to me once the mission has been completed. I want that AI at all costs."

The Freelancer left, and the Director sighed as he closed the files on his computer before winking off the lights to his quarters. "I'm sorry, Agent Texas."

"But you brought this on yourself."

As was the usual case, the Director of Project Freelancer fell into a restless sleep plagued by the nightmares of watching his beloved wife die in the war. _'Allison…'_

'_Alpha was never able to forget you. No wonder he always wanted to see your face whenever you were around.'_

_**A/N: And that's a wrap. So, who's the one who has to hunt Tex? Well…spoilers XD. But those who know RvB should be able to guess. Definitely one of the Freelancers who should've survived…**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N: Hey all, and welcome to chapter eight! Nice to see this fun little story gain its following little by little. As always, enjoy what I have in store for you.**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 8***

DuFresne sighed as he checked the wounded Blue soldier that was called Caboose. He though dealing with both Church and that blonde was terrifying (he could still smell the pee), but right now he think he would rather wet himself in fear rather than listen to any more of Caboose's idiocy.

"So, let me get this all straight," he said, speaking slowly so Caboose would hopefully understand him. "Your leader, Church, was once a guy."

"Yes." Caboose nodded.

"And he was killed by a tank."

"Well…yeah. We all agree it was an accident. No one is at fault for the tank being mean."

"It is entirely your fault, asshole!" Church yelled from outside. "You were the one driving it!"

"It had six pedals! And there are only four directions!" Caboose protested.

"That's not a fucking excuse!"

"Anyway," DuFresne interrupted, hoping to whatever God existed that Church wouldn't try and murder the two of them. "Church became a really mean ghost, you say?"

"Yeaaaah," Caboose replied. "He told us about his mean boyfriend Tex, which makes him a gay robot. Tex got captured by the Reds getting our flag back, who I gave to this very nice man. I think he was the general?"

DuFresne prevented himself from sighing in despair. The more this conversation went on, the more he wished he stayed outside to make sure that Church's girlfriend wasn't experiencing any side effects as a result of her recent operation. She was at least intelligent, even if she literally scared the piss out of him.

"Okay, I'm going to pretend I understood half of that." He could feel the headache approaching the longer he sat in the base. "Anyway, ignoring the gay robot stuff, Church went to go break Tex out, and then you shot him in the head with a sniper rifle, killing him again."

"I think my rifle just has an auto aim feature to killing Church." Caboose shrugged. "I don't know why."

"Maybe it's because you're a teamkilling fucktard?" Church suggested helpfully. "Seriously man, you're responsible for more stress in my life than my own girlfriend in the two weeks you've been here."

DuFresne prevented himself from laughing at that, coughing to keep what little composure he had left. "So, when you next saw Church, that's when he became a girl. Okay, I think that makes sense. Man, it seems like the universe is really out to get her."

"Yeah…" Caboose sighed and looked at his foot. "Um, doctor? Can you help me find my toe? I don't know where it went."

"Sorry Caboose, but my treatments aren't exactly effective after amputation."

"But Church told me she was going to put it in a stew."

DuFresne let out a sigh of despair. Girl, guy, or whatever the fuck she was now, Church was definitely the biggest asshole in Blood Gulch.

"Hey, where's Tucker? He's usually here somewhere."

The medic rubbed his temples and made his way to the cabinets to start seeing what kind of liquor they had stashed. Something told him that he was going to need a drink or two to get through today without breaking his pacifist code.

"Hey, doctor?" Caboose asked.

DuFresne didn't feel like correcting the dumb Blue this time. "What, Caboose?"

"Why don't you have a gun if you're in the army?"

"Yeah dude, that's a good question." Tucker chose this time to enter the conversation, sporting a new shiny bruise around his eye that looked suspiciously similar to the butt of a sniper rifle. The medic was willing to bet Church did it. "The fuck are you, a flower girl?"

"No, I'm a pacifist," DuFresne replied.

"You're a thing that babies suck on?" Caboose's head titled to the side.

"No dude, that's a pedophile." Tucker shook his head.

"That's a pacifier, you fucking moron," Tex snapped, joining. "A pacifist means he's a little bitch who runs instead of standing his own ground and fighting back." She went over to raid the cabinets, shoving the medic aside and pulling out a bottle of whiskey. "Hey, Church! Want a drink!?"

"How the fuck am I going to drink it when my goddamned hands are tied behind my back!?" she screamed.

"Ah, quit complaining. You're loving it~."

"Shut up, Tex!"

DuFresne looked at Tex, hoping for some kind of explanation. "Um…why does Church have her hands tied behind her back?"

"You don't want to know. For your sanity." Tex grabbed the bottle and walked out to do whatever she was doing to Church, and Tucker smirked before following her as quietly as he could.

The medic sighed and went to go start making preparations for a patient with serious brain trauma. Something told him he was going to need to.

Too bad he turned his back for a second.

The minute he turned around, he saw that Caboose was also gone. "Um, Caboose? Where the fuck did you go? Please don't tell me you went after Church."

Nothing but crickets answered him, and he sighed.

"Well, fuck me."

* * *

Church gulped as Tex reentered the room with a bottle of whiskey, struggling to try and free her hands from the handcuffs that currently had them bound behind her back. "Tex…please don't…" _'God fucking dammit. Fuck my life. One moment I'm yelling at the remains of the AI that was in her head, and the next I'm tied up like a lamb.' _

Tex merely smirked at her and waggled her finger at her, licking her lips. "No talking back now. I'm in charge here, Leona."

That tone of voice made Church feel a certain way. She wasn't sure if she liked it. _'Wait…is this seriously how it feels to be aroused as a girl? Fucking really!?' _She was half tempted to groan.

Still, she wouldn't argue that it was much easier to hide being wet than it was concealing an erection. _'…okay, maybe this isn't half bad. It's certainly more inconspicuous. No noticeable changes in my armor as far as I can tell.'_

She squirmed in her chair, trying to scowl at her teasing ex. "Tex, why the hell are you doing this? Give me an honest fucking answer."

"What, you telling me you don't want this?"

"If you're only fucking me to fuck me, then no. I don't want that shit. I've had enough of pointless emotionless sex to last a lifetime."

"Honestly? I figured you were right." Tex shrugged and pulled out the cork in the bottle. "With Omega out of my head, I don't feel as bitchy and irritable. Why not give each other another chance?"

"And this was your idea of starting over?" Church rolled her eyes. "Real fucking romantic, Allison."

Tex froze at the mention of her real name. No one ever used it, not even Church. It had probably been years since someone actually said it.

"Shit, I shouldn't have. Sorry," Church apologized.

Tex was quick to shake her head. "No, it's not your fault. Before you, you know how long it had been since someone used my name? My real one?"

"No. How long?" Church asked quietly.

"Three years." The blonde lowered her head. "When I deserted from Project Freelancer and attempted to rescue Alpha. Only one other person apart from you knows it."

She turned away and closed her eyes, sighing. "The one who helped me break in, all those years ago. Lieutenant Charles Decker."

"Also known as Agent—"

She was cut off by a moron in blue armor barging in. "Church, I'll save you from her evil snacks!" Fucking Caboose. Of course it would be him.

"OUT!" Church screamed, standing up with her hands still bound. "NOW!"

"Aww, but why does Tucker get to play?" Caboose asked.

"Wait…what?"

The door of the closet came crashing down not even ten seconds later, and out came Tucker. "Dude, what the FUCK!? This takes cockblocking to a whole new level! I came in to see some hot girl on girl action, not hear this mushy shit!"

"Seriously, Tex? How the fuck did you not notice he was in there?" Church asked exasperatedly, not even really in the mood to try and kill her annoying teammate.

Tex didn't answer. Her back was to her and she stood over by the window, but Church could see her shoulders shaking a little. "I'm sorry. For everything. It was my fault she died."

"York…"

_**A/N: Yeah, I'm doing exactly what you think I'm doing. In canon, we never got to really see how Tex felt being responsible for Carolina's 'death' (I mean, it was her actions that did technically send her to the Meta). Not only that, but I think Tex and York have some really good potential together. **_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N: Chapter nine. Opening up with a flashback from Project Freelancer for this one. Hope you enjoy!**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 9***

_Three years ago…_

_Agent Texas rolled her eyes in annoyance as an alarm went off and she glared at her partner in crime. "Great job, York." _

"_Hey, I swear this never happens," York said defensively, continuing his intrusion into the Mother of Invention. "Fucking assholes must have been expecting us. I promise you that I'm much better at this than I look. Doubt you brought me along because I'm handsome."_

"_Look, we don't have the time for you to—"_

"_Got it. Alarm is disabled." York sent her a grin and pulled his shotgun from the back of his tan armor. "I'll do what I can to keep them off your back and cause as big of a distraction as possible." _

"_Thank you, Charles. I owe you one." Texas went to go on when York grabbed her hand, his eyes serious. _

"_Allison, be careful," he warned. "The Director is already onto the both of us. We won't be able to meet up like this again." _

"_I know." Texas let out a frustrated sigh, her hand lingering on his for a second too long for someone who she was just friends with. "Not until we take him down and expose him. I'll see you when we get out, okay?"_

"_Promise. Scout's honor." _

_The last thing she saw before the heavy doors closed behind her was his smiling face._

* * *

"Wait, so you and York went after the guy who ran the special forces program you two were in?" Church asked in surprise. "And just the two of you managed to bring down the entire fucking ship onto Sidewinder?"

"Yes." Tex nodded, her back still turned from her. "York and I found out what he was doing to the AI, Alpha. He was torturing him, forcing his own fragments to turn against him. Omega and Sigma would create scenarios in which he failed and got the people he cared about killed. It was sickening. We couldn't let it go by without acting. So we devised a plan for us to sneak onboard the ship, grab Alpha, and kill the Director. We failed."

"What happened?" Church managed to free herself from the handcuffs currently binding her wrists and rubbed them with a wince. She'd had those red marks for awhile even if she put cream on them.

"The ship crashed and threw Carolina out. I went to save her, but it was too late. She was already dead." Tex's shoulders shook. "York and Carolina were…together for a long time. It was because of me that she died. If I didn't try and take down the Director, she'd still be alive."

"Tex, you can't blame yourself for that. You had no idea that all of that shit would happen," Church said quietly. "It isn't—"

"I caused one of my few friends to lose the love of his life, Leona," Tex interrupted. "Do you have any idea what that did to him? He went from one of the best security specialists in the military to a petty thief, helping the Director steal from the UNSC. It broke him."

"So what do you want him to do if you meet again?" Church asked.

Tex looked her in the eye and Church could see the pain swimming in those bright blue eyes of hers. "I want him to do what I know the Director wants him to do. Better that someone I trust does the deed, rather than some shithead who tortured and manipulated us for his own fucking purposes."

"Tex, you can't—"

"The hell I can't. I cost him the one person he loved more than anyone. Even Washington and Massachusetts got to be together after they escaped Project Freelancer."

"Massa? You mean that girl who you said was your team's scout?"

"Yeah. Great shot with a sniper rifle, but was god awful at close quarters. Can't count how many times I kicked her ass in one on ones." Tex laughed a little at that before getting serious again. "Pity what happened to her."

"…do I want to know?" Church sighed. This was how things usually went with Tex. She could be miserable one second and happily reminiscing the next. Having as aggressive of an AI as Omega implanted in her head really fucked over her mental state. Bastard definitely fucked with her head for far too long unchecked.

"She pushed me out of the way of a plasma grenade explosion during a mission on Arcadia. The flare of it going off permanently damaged her eyesight and she was forced to get surgery to keep herself from going blind. Hasn't been the same since. Good thing she has someone to keep an eye on her to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. Girl had a habit of taking on too much by herself. She was the one we all thought of as the big sister of the group. Got involved with Washington romantically after she came back from that surgery and he was the first to welcome her back."

"Washington…isn't he the one who went nuts during AI implantation?"

"Yeah. Poor son of a bitch. Pity I don't know where he and Massa ran off to after Project Freelancer. They'd probably be down to fool around for a bit." Tex's eyebrows wiggled a little and Church wasn't sure whether to blush or sigh. She settled for both.

"You are a shameless pervert," she muttered, shaking her head. "I honestly cannot believe I'm agreeing to sleep with you again."

"Ah quit bitching. You love having the most complicated girlfriend in the galaxy." Tex thumped her on the back and shoved her onto the bed. Church let out a yell of surprise only to stop as Tex's lips smashed onto hers with all the grace of a freight train.

It hurt, but at the same time it just felt so fucking _good_ that she was able to ignore the pain. This was something she definitely missed about being with her ex. Sure, they constantly bickered and tried to rip each other's throats out, but by God was their sex life very satisfying. At the end of it, they were usually both left completely breathless and satisfied. Sometimes, all one needed to relieve some stress after a shitty day was have a good fuck.

Church knew that from experience. She couldn't count the amount of days one of them would come back in a shitty mood only to find the other already in bed with a seductive look in their eyes. It was one thing for the two of them to look forward to.

'_Ah fuck it. I could use some stress relief. I've had a shitty few weeks. Got teamkilled twice and turned into a girl.' _Church wrapped her arms around Tex's neck and kissed back.

She'd definitely enjoy today.

_**A/N: So, I decided to bring in an original Freelancer for this story. Followers of my Agent Reach fic will know who Massa is.**_

_**Also, I have done an author interview! The link to the video is up on my profile, so feel free to check it out! :D**_

_**C. Strife #5371**_


	10. Chapter 10

_**A/N: Here's chapter 10 people! I hope this goes over well, but you can never be too certain. Don't worry; I haven't forgotten that this is supposed to be a dumb humor fic. Even if the last few chapters have had more serious implications.**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 10***

Agent York pulled his shotgun from his back as the Pelican dropship he was on started to descend towards the desert canyon below. It looked completely desolate save for a pair of training bases used by Project Freelancer in the past and the tan and white Freelancer undid the harness keeping him strapped in the seat. _'Texas…'_

He let out a frustrated sigh and checked the weapon. It was loaded with six powerful eight gauge shells that would put a giant hole through the armor plating on a Warthog and kill anyone it hit within seconds. However it was no good for medium to long range combat and as a precaution he brought along a battle rifle. While he wasn't an expert with the weapon, he was competent enough with one to be able to use it effectively should the need to arise.

He didn't anticipate any trouble, but it never hurt to be careful. Especially if took his objective into consideration; he didn't know if Tex's mental state had deteriorated even more since their failure of a rescue mission. For all he knew, she'd attack him on sight.

'_Please. I'm not that fucking lucky.' _York scoffed bitterly and stood up from his seat as the dropship began to lower down to one of the circular metal buildings. An M808B Main Battle Tank was parked outside, though on further inspection it didn't look like it was in working condition; half of it was dismantled and parts were strewn all over the sand, meaning someone was actively attempting to repair the Scorpion class tank. There was only one person he could think of who'd go out of their way to try and repair what was the UNSC's definition of divine intervention, and that was Agent Texas.

'_Looks the information the Director gave me was right. Fucking prick.' _York hated the man with every fiber of his being for what he did to Carolina, but right now the Director was the only thing currently preventing him from spending the rest of his life looking at iron bars.

The dropship extended its landing gear and York jumped down to take his first steps on Blood Gulch, his shotgun in hand. He motioned for the pilot to go on and take off and he performed a quick sweep of the area. There wasn't a single trace of movement in sight and he lowered his weapon, carrying it as he made his way over to the base.

Several blue flags hung from the walls of the fort and he could safely assume that this was the Blue Base. _'Well, my search sure as shit got a lot easier.' _ He only had to take a look around this area, which was fine by him. "Delta, are we alone out here?"

A light green hologram of a soldier in basic Mark V armor flickered to life near York's right shoulder and it shook its head. _"Negative, Agent York. Radar indicates four friendlies and one enemy contact within thirty meters of us. I suggest you complete your objective as soon as possible so we can report back to the Director."_

Delta was always the intellectual of the AI fragments used in Project Freelancer. He was always running analytics and theories regardless of the time of day, using outstanding logic and reasoning to get his results. Sometimes, York really hated that he was always so scientific and wanted him to loosen the fuck up once in a while. Sadly, due to his nature, that was something that was never going to happen.

"No, Delta," he said with a defeated sigh. "I have zero intentions of following through with the Director's orders. It wasn't Tex's fault and you know that, D. I have too much to talk to her about." _'She doesn't deserve to die. She did what we thought was right at the time. And even all these years later, I still think she was.'_

"_Agent York, you are aware that disobeying the Director's orders will lead to you being a wanted—"_

"I'm aware, Delta," York cut him off with an irritated growl, his teeth gnashing. "I fucking _know_. And you know something? I don't give a shit what the Director thinks. He can go to hell for all I care. I need to talk to her, D."

"_Why?"_

"What do you mean?"

"_Why do you need to talk to Agent Texas? You have no idea if Omega's rampancy has corrupted her mind and possibly permanently damaged her mental state. For all we know, the Agent Texas we knew is no longer alive," _Delta replied. That fucking monotone voice was going to drive York nuts one day. Couldn't he be a little more sympathetic from time to time?

'_Fuck no he couldn't. Asshole.' _York approached the nearest window to check what was going on inside and his jaw promptly hit the floor. "No way. Delta, is this an illusion of some kind? Or is what I'm seeing actually real?"

The scene currently before him made him doubt everything he actually knew about Tex. The blonde woman was currently on top of another blue haired woman making out with her, tugging the straps that bound her hands with an amused smirk on her face. "What's the matter, Leona~? Can't handle being dominated?"

'_Holy shit. No fucking way, man. I heard the rumors from Massa and Wash, but I never thought they were actually real. I figured they were just fucking with me.' _

The two women continued their makeout session and York soon started to feel very uncomfortable in his armor. Specifically his crotch area and he nervously shifted around as to not get part of his anatomy pinched. _'Well…I can certainly say I didn't fucking expect this. Didn't ever take Tex to be into bondage, either. Guess I learn something new every day.'_

He coughed to regain his composure, his implant burning a little as Delta started to grow irritated with him. "Delta, stop being an asshole."

"_Unlike you, Agent York, I do not take pleasure on spying on people during actions of extreme intimacy," _Delta shot back.

"Please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up. You've spent way too much time talking to Wash."

Days like this really made him ever agreeing to undergo AI implantation.

He wasn't sure whether or not to intrude considering his 'mission', but he didn't get a chance to really dwell on that thought because he felt someone tapping on his shoulder. The Freelancer turned around, shotgun ready to blast whoever touched him to pieces, only to see a soldier in aqua armor raise his finger to his lips.

"Shush, dude! Don't give us away! Been wanting to see this shit for days!"

York heard Delta sigh in his head and he knew he was definitely going to need a beer or twenty after today.

_**A/N: Another shortie, but meh. I don't really care too much about chapter length for this fic. It's meant to be short like this. A few chapters might end up longer, but I wouldn't hold my breath. **_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	11. Chapter 11

_**nA/N: Hey all, here's chapter eleven. Participating in one of my discord server's NaNo event for July, so hopefully I can get a lot of work done for it. The more chapters I crank out, the better. Trying to reach a certain goal of mine and I think I can pull it off if I remain consistent XD**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 11***

Tex was enjoying watch Church try and squirm her way out from underneath her; the blonde was laying on top of her in a way to be as heavy as she possibly could, absolutely refusing to budge even an inch despite the adorable groans of frustration her ex would let out every few seconds.

"For fuck's sake, Tex!" Church begged, her face starting to get red and sweaty with the effort she was putting into her failed attempts to move the Freelancer off of her. "Can you please get off of me? I promise to go down on you if you do. It'll give me a reason to test out how good this new tongue is."

"Hmm, tempting." Tex smirked and pretended to tap her lips thoughtfully. "But I am afraid I am going to have to decline your offer. I'm pretty comfortable up here." _'Heh, and I thought making Church squirm when she was a guy was fun. This is easily ten times better. Finally somewhere to lay my head.' _

"You just want to use my fucking tits as a pillow? Seriously? You're fucking worse than Tucker." Church rolled her eyes with an irritated huff, trying once again (and failing spectacularly as usual) to shove her off of her. "Goddammit!"

"Too weak, Leona," Tex said with a grin, lifting her head from her spot between Church's breasts. "Mm…I think you have bigger tits than me. I call bullshit on that."

"Oh fuck you." Church rolled her eyes and tried not to moan out as Tex gave them a hearty squeeze. "Tex…I'm going to smack you when I get out of this."

"Kinky. You gonna use your hand or a paddle?"

"Shut the fuck up."

"Ha! You actually got a nosebleed from it! I win, bitch!" Tex stuck her tongue out to be as petty as possible while Church tried again to push her off to no avail.

"Goddammit! Let me get up so I don't get blood on the sheets," Church begged. "I'm not changing them for the second time in three days."

"So no head?"

"For fuck's sake."

Tex merely grinned and gave her another quick kiss, dragging her up. "Come on. Up you get. I don't like seeing blood all over my sheets either. Someone will think you're on your period. Though in all fairness, you sometimes bitch and moan like you are."

"Shut up, Tex," Church grumbled, blushing a little from the amount of affection Tex was showing her. Getting Omega out of her head had done wonders for her overall mental state; she had forgotten what it was like to not have Tex trying to kick her ass for some dumb shit she probably didn't do. While she was grateful that now she had to worry about being pushed onto the nearest bed instead of getting her ass kicked, part of her missed it a little. The beatdowns were special in their own twisted way. She was a bit of a masochist.

The incredibly awesome and gorgeous leader of Blue Team reluctantly let Tex drag her up and she went towards the bathroom to get herself cleaned up. For a moment she was absolutely positive that Tex was just fucking with her about the nosebleed. _'No way. It doesn't even feel wet on my face.'_

She reached up to touch just beneath her nose and she groaned when the tips of her fingers came away wet and red with blood. "Goddammit. You weren't kidding about the nosebleed." _'Fuck. Now the teasing is going to be relentless.' _

Church took two steps and she heard a loud crash of breaking glass. "What the fuck was that?"

She turned around and looked to see Tucker lying in a heap on the floor letting out groans of pain. Shattered glass was all around his motionless form and Church walked over to him, giving him a nudge with her foot. "Tucker? What the fuck are you doing, you pervert? Were you spying on us?"

Tucker's only response was a moan of agony and he rubbed his shoulder. "Ow…that guy fucking decked me so hard I went through the window…"

"What guy?" Church asked.

"That one." Tucker raised his arm with a wince and pointed. Church followed his finger and on the opposite side of the shattered window stood a soldier wearing tan armor with white accents. In their hands was a battle rifle and he lowered it when Tex came out to see what the hell happened.

"Tex..?" he asked, his voice quiet. "Is that you?"

Tex's eyes widened and she swallowed painfully as she approached. "Y-york…it's been a long time."

This was the man who tried to free Alpha with her three years ago. Agent York. The Freelancer set his rifle across his back armor and reached to pull his helmet off. Underneath the shiny golden visor was a handsome man with an ugly scar on his left eye and his gaze was somber as he looked at Tex. "It has, Tex. You know why I'm here."

"I do." Tex reached for his hand and squeezed it, and surprisingly Church didn't feel a surge of envy as she took another man's hand in her own. "The Director sent you to finish what we started."

"Allison, I—"

"Do it, Charlie."

York strode forward and gave her a hug, running his gauntleted hands up her back. "I never blamed you. Not once. It wasn't your fault Carolina died."

"York…" Tex leaned into his hug and York looked over at Church.

"So…is that your girlfriend?"

"You could say that."

Church gave the blonde a look before turning back to York. "You're the guy who helped my girlfriend try and save Alpha? Eh, she always did have shitty taste in men."

York let out a bark of laughter and Tex glared at him, elbowing him in the ribs. "Shut up, York. Don't encourage her to be a jackass. It's already hardwired."

"I can show you a hard wire, Tex. Bow chicka bow wow," Tucker mumbled from his spot on the floor. Both Tex and Church gave him a quick kick in the ribs again and he let out a weak groan of pain. "Fucking worth it…"

"So…care to explain?" Church gestured to the aqua soldier on the floor. "What did he do, fuckin' say you like getting pegged? Because you kinda look like the guy who'd take it in the ass."

Now it was Tex's turn to laugh and have someone glare at her.

"No. He was spying on you while you were fucking," York said dryly. "I told him to quit it with the sex jokes or I'd punch him. He didn't believe me."

"Yeah…did anyone get the number of that truck that hit me?" Tucker asked weakly from the floor, trying to make a joke as he rolled over onto his stomach. "Fuck…this hurts. I think I got a fucking concussion, dude."

"You'll be fine. Quit bitching." Church rolled her eyes and went over to pull him up. "Go on, get yourself checked out by Doc. He'll fix you up."

"Dude, he fucking gave Caboose orange juice after his toe fell off!" Tucker protested. "He's the worst medic ever!"

"Again, he's a harmless moron. What's the worst that's gonna fucking happen?" Church pointed out. "He couldn't hurt you if he tried. He's a fucking pacifist."

"Come on, Church, don't make me go back to him," he begged. "He tried to fucking give me a back rub when Tex decked me in the chest!"

"To be fair, he thought you were stressed out."

"Shut up, Tex."

"Yeah, he definitely looks like it."

"Dude, don't fucking help her."

"Why not?" Tex smirked. "Could always use a third person to liven up a party."

Tucker looked like he wanted to say 'Fuck it, I'm done' and go live the rest of his life in a cave with a bear. "As if it weren't bad enough already. Now I got another fucking Freelancer here. Fucking beautiful, people."

"Oh shut up, you teenage girl." Church rolled her eyes and smacked him on the side of the head lightly. "You complain too much. It's not like he's a trigger happy psychopath."

"He punched me through a fucking window!"

"You were spying on me and Tex about to have sex!"

"Still an asshole…"

Church and Tex glanced at York and he shrugged. "Permission?"

"Granted," Tex and Church replied at the same time, grinning.

Tucker took one look at York and decided to start running for his life.

_**A/N: XD poor Tucker. He really is a punching bag in RvB, isn't he? So, now the question someone's going to have. Threesome?**_

_**Probably. Depends on my mood, really. I haven't written much smut lately. So you never know. Probably will lol **_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N: Here's chapter 12. Again, I'm always surprised by this fic's following especially when you take into consideration this was spawned for nothing more than shits and giggles. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 12***

Sarge walked alongside the canyon wall with a sniper rifle in his hands, humming a cheerful tune he made up about the unbearably painful demise of his least favorite subordinate. "I just wish that Grif was dead, put a bullet through his head."

It was a fantastic day. Grif and Donut were back at base far away from him and Simmons was doing whatever the hell he did. Sarge forgot what the maroon soldier's job was. He even ordered him to disassemble and reassemble the Warthog for no particular reason at all apart from to keep him busy for a few hours so Sarge could sit back and enjoy a beer while he read a magazine he stole from Grif's room.

He squinted when he saw movement in the distance, frowning under his helmet. "Huh. What in Sam hell is going on out there?" He looked through the scope of the sniper rifle to see what was going on and his sense of murder began to spike. Those damned Blues were up to something again.

Church and that mean bitch in black they once had as a prisoner were busy talking with some man in tan and white armor. No doubt the bastard was sent to aid the Blues and lead them in an attack that had yet to happen.

Sarge's finger crept into the trigger guard of the rifle and he stopped himself. He shook his head in disgust at his actions. A sniper rifle was a coward's weapon. He wanted to be looking at the whites of his opponent's eyes so the son of a bitch knew who it was that beat him to death. Plus it gave him the chance to use some really zippy one liners. One of his favorites was, "I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell is paid in advance!"

But it would never beat his ultimate finisher. "You just got Sarge'd."

He lowered the rifle and called Simmons on the radio. "Simmons? Simmons! Come in, Simmons!"

"_Sarge? What's going on?"_ Simmons asked worriedly. _"Are we under attack?" _

"No, private. We're going to be leading a glorious charge in the name of the Red Army! Bring the Warthog and the ordnance in the back of it," Sarge ordered. "We're going to end this war, here and now. Over and out."

He held his position until Simmons arrived with the Warthog, stopping the vehicle just below him. Simmons waved to him below from the driver's seat. "Sarge! I'm here!"

"Good." Sarge grinned and leapt down. He landed with a thud, peering to look in the back of the Warthog. As ordered, Simmons brought the ordnance with him. He always did know how to follow orders, unlike Grif.

"Sir, what the fuck is going on?" Simmons asked as he got out of the vehicle. He was only carrying a handgun, by no means an appropriate weapon to use for a surprise attack on the Blues.

But in the back of the jeep was the perfect tool of destruction. It would easily take care of their little blue problem. Loud, explosive, and guaranteed to destroy anything it hit.

Sarge scowled under his helmet and looked at the Blues in the distance. Those dirty, rotten, no good backstabbers! How dare they get a special operative's support before Sarge could get one of his own to dish out brutal justice in the name of the Reds! Damned traitors!

"Simmons," he said with a growl, picking the weapon up from the back of the Warthog and offering it to the maroon private. "Take this here weapon and fire a warning shot at those pesky Blues. And that other guy, too."

Simmons looked at the weapon he was given skeptically. "Um, sir? This is a rocket launcher."

"Goddammit, private. Just take the damn shot," Sarge ordered with a glare.

Simmons let out a defeated sigh and aimed the explosive weapon at the Blues. From this distance, they wouldn't know what hit them until it was too late. "Yes, sir."

He aimed his rocket launcher at the Blues in the distance and fired off both rockets. Sarge watched as they soared towards their targets, completely ignorant of the immense pain and death that would be sure to follow in the next few seconds.

"Heh. Win for us. Suck it, Bluetards!" Sarge propped his feet up and waited for the explosion.

* * *

"So, let me get this straight. The guy in charge of the special forces program you two were in sent you out to kill my girlfriend and steal her AI," Church said slowly, making sure she heard everything York told her correctly.

"That's about right." York shrugged. "The Director's pissed off at Tex for breaking out and stealing Omega. So, who better to turn to than someone who he thinks harbors thoughts of revenge against her?"

"Surely the Director knows that you would turn on him first chance you got," Tex said, stroking her chin in confusion. "Why the hell would he want to take that risk?"

"Fuck if I know." York shrugged again. "All I know is that we have to find the Alpha. Is it here?"

Tex started to stare at Church and York followed suit. Both Freelancers were looking at her intensely and the blue haired woman put her hands up. "Hey, don't fucking look at me. I don't know what the hell this Alpha is."

York looked at Tex and sighed. "Does she even know? That the person she used to be was nothing more than a mere meatball for Alpha to control?"

"She does now."

"Fuck."

Church put her hands on her hips and scowled. "Alright, you two have some fucking explaining to do. The fuck are you talking about? I'm a real person, dammit!" _'Not this shit again. I'm a fucking human. For the last fucking time. My old body even stank like a real corpse, for fuck's sake!'_

"We know that. We can obviously see you." York rolled his eyes. "But I think…wait a minute. Do you hear that?"

He was right. There was a low whistling, rapidly growing louder. "Yeah, I do. What the fuck is that?"

Church reached for her sniper rifle and looked through the scope to see what it was. Her eyes bulged in panic and she let out a scream of warning. "ROCKETS!"

"Shit! Where did they come from!?" Tex yelled, ducking into cover and dragging York with her. "Church, get to cover!"

But there wasn't any time. Especially with a second rocket rapidly approaching her as well. Leona Church took a deep breath and aimed her rifle. She had to time this just right if she wanted to live to complain about it later. _'Come on. You know you can do this.'_

The tip of the rocket grew closer and she fired. The butt of the sniper rifle slammed against her shoulder as it let out a loud crack, the high velocity bullet streaking towards its target. It struck and created the coolest fucking explosion she had the privilege of seeing, but the sheer force of two rockets exploding simultaneously while only about twenty feet from her threw her back like a ragdoll. Her head slammed against a rock and her rifle fell out of her hands onto the sand below.

The last thing she heard before she blacked out was someone screaming her name.

_**A/N: Poor Church. Nearly getting blown up again? I know. Poor girl's got like a fucking magnet to explosives XD. Hey, she finally got to be a badass with the sniper rifle! XD thanks for reading! Peace! **_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N: Hello all, and welcome to chapter thirteen! Last chapter we saw poor LadyChurch get knocked out by a surprise attack by the Reds. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 13***

When Church came to, the first thing she was aware of was the god awful headache. She let out a weak groan of pain and lifted her head, shielding her eyes to block out the light. "Ugh…"

"Church!" Tex's voice was the first thing she got to hear and she grimaced.

"Anyone get the number of that bus?" Church asked weakly, trying to joke despite feeling as though she got beaten by a hundred hammers at once. "Ow…everything really hurts right now."

"No shit you're in pain." Texas sighed and felt her forehead, rubbing it. "You nearly got blown up by a fucking rocket. You're lucky you're still alive."

"Oh, bitch at me later," Church grumbled. "I'm pretty sure my badass sniping skills are the sole reason you are still in one piece. Did we find out who the one shooting at us was?"

"Yep. It was the Reds."

"Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me."

Church let out an irritated growl and went to get out of bed to go beat the shit out of the Reds for their latest attempt at murder, but Tex put her hand firmly on her chest and shoved her back down. "Nope. You took a hell of a hit. You're not going anywhere. Get some rest."

"Tex, I'm fine," Church said with a grimace, reaching for a conveniently placed bottle of liquor. "Just get me a shot and I'll be good to go. I have a bone to pick with those fucktards for nearly killing me." _'Fucking assholes. I knew I should've killed them when I had the chance.'_

"Oh trust me, York's already taken care of that for you," Tex replied cheerfully. Church shuddered. Cheery Tex had the same kind of ring to it as 'bubblegum with knives' did. It didn't fit.

"…do I want to know what he did?"

Church wasn't sure whether to be aroused or terrified by Tex's devious smirk. She settled for both and poured herself a shot with a sigh. "Alright, let me hear it."

* * *

"N-no please, I want to live, I WANT TO LI—" *_PUNCH*_

"Hey, stop beating my subordinates! If anyone's gonna kill them, it's me!" _*THUD* _"Son of a bitch!"

"Don't chip my nails! AHHHHHH!"

"Not the face, not the face! I'm too good looking to die!" _*THUD* _"He keeps kicking me in the dick! Why!? Why does he keep kicking me in the dick!?"

* * *

Church blinked her eyes slowly, taking in everything she had been told. "So, he essentially beat the living shit out of the Reds without breaking a sweat." _'He probably wasn't even trying when he did it, either. Jesus fucking Christ.'_

"Yeah, that's about right." Tex smirked and reached for the bottle of whiskey. Normally, Church wouldn't hand his prized liquor over to anyone, regardless of who they were. But Tex was a special case. No one got between her and the alcohol of her desire if they wanted to live, so rather reluctantly she handed it over.

Tex poured herself a double shot and knocked it back, smacking her lips. "Ah, that hit the spot. Good choice, Church."

Church rolled her eyes and sighed. Yep, this was something was very familiar with. Tex usually drank her liquor cabinet dry and then she'd either sleep with her or beat the shit out of her. Usually some weird fucking mix of the two. They were both masochists.

"Aw, don't be so cold, babe. I'll be sure to fuck your brains out." Tex winked suggestively. "I'll even let you choose whether or not to be on top this time.

"…is that sarcastic?"

"Eh, probably. You know damn well you're a submissive bitch."

"Like you haven't been the one begging more than once." Church crossed her arms with an irritated huff. "Bitch."

Tex merely clicked her tongue and glanced outside to see York on his way back to their base. The Freelancer was whistling a cheerful tune as he approached, looking no worse for wear. "Hey, Tex. I think they got the message. They're not going to be trying any more stupid surprise attacks anytime soon."

"What did you do, call their fucking parents?" Church asked, rubbing her shoulder as Tex punched her. "Hey! The fuck did I do!?"

"Don't be a bitch," Tex returned dryly. "Otherwise, I'll make you _my_ bitch."

"Too late." York smirked. "You are completely fucking whipped."

"Called it!"

"Shut the fuck up Tucker. Fucking jackass. And go take a goddamned shower. I can smell your ass from in here."

"Hey, I gotta work out to keep my body nice and sexy for the ladies," Tucker said with a grin, walking in. He was completely shirtless and he flexed in a bad attempt to show off for them. "All the fine ladies are gonna love this."

"I'm a woman and somehow I don't feel any luckier," Church shot back. York and Tex snickered at that.

"I said fine ladies, not traps."

"…I'm going to give you five seconds to run before I do murderous things to your asshole. Or, I can let Tex do it. And that'll be a mercy."

"What are you going to do, Blue Tits? Get her to destroy my home movies folder?" Tucker grinned. "I have backups of them, you know."

Church then thought of something. something devious, awful, and definitely cruel enough to warrant her execution on every planet in the galaxy. But it would so be worth it. _'Fuck it. He's an asshole and deserves it.'_

"Hey, Caboose?" she asked with as much fake sweetness as she could muster, trying not to let venom seep into her voice at the mere thought of the person responsible for her current predicament of being a woman. "I think Tucker needs some help. Think you can…assist him for me while I tend to some urgent business?" Tex winced and whistled in pity.

All the color drained from Tucker's face and he started to run. "Nope! Fuck this! I'm out, dude!"

Tucker began to scream five seconds later as gunfire from Caboose's assault rifle began to spray behind him.

Tex shook her head and looked torn between being appalled and being impressed. "You are evil. You're worse than the fucking Director."

Church could only chuckle and enjoy the chaos unfold.

_**A/N: And there we go. So, with my NaNo event coming to a close (and still terribly short of my goal for the month), I'm going to try and at least get this fic into Season 3 by the end of summer. Think I can do it if I'm smart about it. We'll see.**_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	14. Chapter 14

_**A/N: So, what excuse do I have for my delay? None at all XD. Just been lazy as fuck with writing lately and need to desperately get back on track. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 14***

Once the gunfire and girly screams from Tucker had died down, Church looked back at her girlfriend. "So, what do you think we should do?"

"Well, first things first, we have to deal with a few certain idiots on our team," Tex replied with a bit of a scowl. "I don't know if you've noticed, but Doc isn't exactly an asset to the team, is he? The only good thing he's managed to in his entire stay here is get Omega out of my head. That's it."

"Hmm." Church stroked her chin. "Think we could send him off to the Reds?"

"…I like the way you think." Tex let out a chuckle and rubbed her hands together. "Perfect. Gets rid of Doc and keeps the Reds occupied for some time. Win-win situation if you ask me."

"Hey, I never agreed to this!" Doc protested. "I'm valuable, I swear! I can help you!"

"Oh shut up, Doc." Church rolled her eyes. "You gave Caboose a fucking back rub after we shot his toe off. How the hell was that supposed to help him out?"

"I gave him orange juice too!" Doc said indignantly. "That has to account for something!"

"You're right, it does," Tex agreed. "It accounts to you being a dumbass."

"Ooooooooh gottem!" Tucker yelled from inside. Tex instinctively reached for a grenade that didn't exist and she let out a growl of frustration when she realized that her explosives were all in her armor.

"Sorry babe. No murder for you today." Church smirked at her girlfriend's despair and frustration. "So, how are we going to get the Reds to come all the way back here after York beat the living shit out of them as payback? I doubt they're that stupid."

Just as she said that, some really awful Spanish music started to get louder and louder. "Wait, what the hell is that music!?" _'Oh son of a bitch.'_

She could only recall one other occasion she heard that music before and it was when two of the Reds attacked her and Tucker prior to her first death. "Ah shit. Never mind. They're already here."

Church was definitely not in the mood to be dealing with this bullshit today. Not when she had been prevented from getting laid. Again.

With an irritated grumble she got up and started fitting her armor back on with some 'help' from Tex. By help, she of course meant getting a good feel of her ass.

"Really Tex? Is now the time for that?" she asked exasperatedly as her girlfriend once again smacked her ass for shits and giggles. "We're under attack from the idiots known as the Reds and you're trying to get a feel?"

She really didn't understand her girlfriend sometimes.

"Hey, if we get killed, I at least want to get one or two good feels in." Tex winked at her and tossed her a magnum. Three direct headshots were all that were needed to take down an Elite with full shields. It was fitted with a 2x scope and in the hands of an expert could reach out and touch someone.

Church caught it and fastened it to her thigh before picking up her preferred weapon. She had been practicing her aim with the sniper rifle, or at least attempting to whenever Tex wasn't trying to bed her, and had definitely seen some improvements in her aim. She wasn't by any means a master marksman, but she could at least hit a target or two.

Provided the targets weren't on the other side of the fucking canyon. She wasn't a Freelancer.

"Come on; let's go deal with these fucking morons before I have an aneurysm." She rolled her eyes with a huff and stormed outside, firing her pistol into the air when she saw the Reds outside the base with their assault jeep.

"What the fuck do you assholes want!?" she yelled. "I'm really not in the mood for this bullshit right now!"

"We want to negotiate your surrender! Before we kill you for the glories of the Red Team!" Sarge yelled back.

Church rolled her eyes and motioned for Tex to pick up the heavy explosives lying next to the base. "Do me a favor. If he opens his mouth again, please make him blow up."

"With pleasure." Tex cackled and picked up the rocket launcher.

"Why the fuck would I want to surrender!?" Church asked.

"Because you're outnumbered!" Simmons replied.

"Bullshit, dude! I've got a chick with a rocket launcher!"

"Also, if you recall, we already had to surrender to that tan asshole on your team! That makes it your turn!" Simmons added.

Church sighed and motioned for her girlfriend to fire. "Please for the love of God make him shut the fuck up before I kill him."

Tex fired her rocket launcher and the Reds ducked for cover behind their jeep. "SON OF A BITCH!"

The rocket hit the jeep and sent it skyward, falling in a heap of metal. Sarge wasn't pleased with the destruction and glared at the black Freelancer. "Hey, come on! We've still got payments on that thing!"

"Oh shut the fuck up!" Church fired her sniper rifle at him, narrowly missing his head. "You blew up my fucking tank with a goddamned airship!"

She still wasn't forgiving them for that one.

"Look, asshole, I've got a lot of fucking bullshit to deal with at the moment and really, really don't have time for this!" Church growled impatiently. "Can we postpone this shit for another day!?"

She didn't actually have anything planned apart from getting laid. She just really did not want to deal with another migraine caused by the other inhabitants of this shit canyon. Not today at least.

"Then surrender now so we can speed it up!" Sarge wasn't going to budge.

"The fuck do you want? Want a prisoner?" Church asked in exasperation.

"That seems fair." Sarge nodded and pointed at Doc hiding behind York and Tex. "We want that purple guy!"

Church smirked and glanced over Tex, who groaned and reluctantly slapped a five credit chip into her hand. "Sounds like you owe me dinner."

"Oh fuck you." Tex kicked the dirt with a grumble and shoved Doc over to the Reds. "Enjoy being on the Reds now."

"Wait, I'm not a prisoner! I'm a medic!" Doc protested. "Y-you can't do this!"

"Sorry. Can't hear you over the sound of your complaining."

"Oh you guys suck!"

"Shut up Doc."

"Assholes…can't we just get rid of this negativity with some yoga?"

"Doc, I swear to God, if you make one more fucking suggestion, I _will _kill you," Church threatened. "Now go. And don't ever come back here under any circumstances."

Doc looked like he wanted to object, but Church took aim at his crotch with the rifle and he started to plod over to the Reds. "Fine…"

"Haha! A beautiful day for the Red Army!" Sarge cackled and thumped the depressed medic on the back. "Welcome aboard!"

They all climbed into their semi-intact jeep and drove off towards their own base, leaving them alone, and Church turned to her girlfriend. "So, how long before they try and bring him back?"

"I say…a minimum of two days." Tex grinned.

"I'll take those odds."

She may have lost out on some action thanks to the Reds, but still. It could be worse.

She could be like Doc right now.

_**A/N: So, I think it's time for shit to get even weirder and paradox-y. How? Well, Doc's gonna get Multiple Personality Disorder and go nuts after Tucker hears 'Blue Command' talking to the Reds, and then all the fun shit in RvB Season 3 and 4 gets to happen. **_

_**See you soon!**_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	15. Chapter 15

_**A/N: So, what's the reason for my delay? Well, nothing much. I hate not being able to update as frequently for you guys despite trying to keep an update schedule. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 15***

Church sat down at her workbench, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth as she worked on her sniper rifle. The Blue Team had recently received a new shipment of ammunition and weapons from their useless command (along with the same kind of shitty generic orders of 'Eliminate the enemy' and 'do better than you're currently doing'.), and she was taking advantage of their new supplies to add a little upgrades to her personal weapon.

She was fitting a new night vision attachment to her scope that would enable her to see targets at night easier. The sniper rifle lay disassembled on the table and she was carefully screwing it into the scope when Tex came in, smirking.

"So," she drawled. "Finally decided to upgrade a bit, huh?"

"Meh, I decided that it was time that it was necessary." Church shrugged and held it up to her face with a frown. "What brings you in here? You usually don't come down here unless you need to upgrade your armor. Active Camo unit giving you trouble?"

"Nah. I actually just wanted to sit down and watch you work. It's kinda cute." Tex smirked. "So, just pretend as though I'm not here and keep it on."

"You are un-fucking-believable." Church rolled her eyes and went back to work. She started putting her rifle back together and soon Tex decided to go over to her and hug her from behind. She felt a hint of pink rush to her cheeks and tried to focus on assembling the precision weapon. _'Focus, focus…she's just up to her usual stunts of messing with you as usual…'_

If one day went by where Tex didn't attempt to grab her ass, she'd be fucking amazed.

She felt Tex's hands creep down her sides to her stomach and she struggled not to squirm. Even as a guy it was one of her most ticklish spots and she tried to glare over her shoulder at her ever horny girlfriend. "T-tex! I'm trying to work here!"

"I'm not doing anything yet~," she purred. "I've behaving, you pervert."

"P-pot calling the kettle black much?" Church gasped as her fingers lightly dragged across the underside of her breasts and she felt a sudden wave of heat start to pool between her thighs. "T-tex! Come on! Seriously I'm trying to fucking work here!"

Tex merely smirked and continued her rubbing for a few more seconds before pulling away. "By the way, I wanted to tell you something. Tucker is currently rocking back and forth in a corner and it's kinda freaking us out. Think you can do something about it?"

"The fuck do you expect me to do? I'm not his goddamned psychiatrist."

"Just go fucking help him for the love of God."

"Ugh. Fine." Church rolled her eyes and stood up from her workbench with an annoyed huff. "I'll go help the big baby. Just don't fuck with my rifle." _'I swear it's one thing after another. I fucking hate this canyon.' _

She sighed as she walked through Blue Base. "You know what; I don't think I hate my life anymore. I hate everyone else's. I wish they didn't have them." _'I swear, I could do without like ninety percent of the human population.' _

With an air of annoyance she stomped around, looking for where the hell Tucker was. "Come on, where the hell are you hiding now…?"

She found her answer soon, though it was not where she expected. She half expected to find him hiding in her room trying to get a glimpse of her nude body. But she was wrong, so badly wrong.

He was instead in Caboose's room and rocking back and forth in a corner, letting out the occasional whimper.

"Tucker? What the fuck are you doing in here?" Church asked with a groan. "You know that you're not supposed to go in Caboose's room—"

She stopped when she looked around at what was posted along the walls and she was pretty sure her jaw dropped to the floor. "…oh you've got to be fucking kidding me." _'No way. No fucking way.'_

On every single square inch of the goddamned walls was posters of crude drawings of Church and Caboose holding hands and doing things as a couple. For a moment, Church was considering shooting herself in the head if only to get those horrifying and disturbing images out of her head.

"O-okay…" She swallowed a lump in her throat. "We're going to get you out of here and then we're going to drop a grenade in here to purge this from our minds. Deal?"

Tucker responded with a whimper.

Fuck it, good enough for her.

Church dragged Tucker out of Caboose's room, priming a fragmentation grenade and chucking it into it. A few seconds later she heard a very satisfying explosion and she started to hum a cheerful tune as she carried her teammate away.

Despite what she had just seen, she was still in a relatively cheerful mood. After all, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

* * *

Doc shuddered in his armor as he sat in his cell in the Red Base, looking around at his red and very bleak surroundings. Dull red lights shone everywhere around him and he could feel his sanity slowly starting to waste away into nothingness.

He felt something he never felt. He was a pacifist, devoid of negativity.

And yet he felt…angry. Really angry.

"_Do it. You know you want to. Kill them now."_

"What!? No! I'm a medic! A pacifist!"

"_Feast on their entrails and send them to oblivion."_

"Why would I want to do that? They're not terrible," Doc protested.

"_Is that so? Last time I checked, decent people don't sell you as a hostage."_

"I mean…"

"_Did Church do anything for you? No. She insulted you and used you like a pawn. Constantly put you down. Face it already you helpless sack of shit."_

"H-hey…I'm not helpless!" Doc snapped back.

"_Prove it." _

Doc looked around and saw the orange guy (Grif or whatever his name was) was sleeping at his guard post. Feeling a sudden surge of anger and determination Doc went over to him and knocked him out.

Grif let out a groan of pain and fell to the floor. "Ow! What the fuck!?"

Doc smiled. He liked causing this kind of violence, as strange as it sounded.

"_Excellent! Now feast on their entrails, ahahaha!"_

Doc picked up a rocket launcher that was lying next to Grif and let out a cackle.

It was time for him to exact his delicious revenge against the Blue Team.

_**A/N: Poor Doc xD. It's way too much fun torturing you. One of my favorite side characters in the entire show. He was just hilarious XD. And now we have a plot (sort of) XD. See you!**_

_**C. Strife#5371**_


	16. Chapter 16

_**A/N: Hey all, here's chapter 16. Got a new job with a bit more flexibility in my schedule. I miss being able to write multiple fics and be able to update a few at a time…**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 16***

Church looked through the scope of her sniper rifle, frowning. Tucker was beside her and she gave him an annoyed look. "Dude, I don't what the fuck you're talking about. I didn't hear shit."

"I'm telling you, I heard four shots!" the aqua soldier insisted. "They went, 'Bam', 'Bam', 'Bam'!"

"…that's only three."

"…'Bam'…"

Church rolled her eyes and looked through the scope of her rifle again, peering out onto the Reds' side of Blood Gulch. She still couldn't see anything, but she did hear a very loud explosion. Smoke started to rise in the distance, presumably from Red Base, and she lowered her rifle. "Well…shit. Something's going on over there."

"Like what?" Tucker asked.

"I don't fucking know, why the hell are you asking me? If I knew, I wouldn't be wondering what the fuck is going on with you, dumbass!" Church snapped.

"Goddammit, I hate not being able to use the fucking sniper rifle!" Tucker moaned. "Such bullshit!"

"Oh my god, stop fucking complaining about every little goddamn thing!" Church rolled her eyes again and glowered at her teammate. "Why are you such a fucking whiner? Are you still pissy that I won't sleep with you despite your best attempts? Which, by the way, are completely shit?"

"Hey, those are my best pickup lines!"

"Yeah, and they immediately kill my sex drive the minute one comes out of your mouth."

Tucker winced at the harsh tone from his leader. "Fuck, don't gotta be a bitch about it. Is it that time of the month for you or something? Shit."

"Yes, asshole." Church let out a frustrated growl. "And I have to fucking wait until we get our next supply drop tomorrow before I can actually have what I need! Fuck having the body of a girl sucks!" When she found herself to start bleeding from between her legs, she was both horrified and really pissed off. Tex had been Tex about it. Which meant she was absolutely no help at all and merely cackled when she heard Church yelling about blood coming out of her snatch. Rotten bitch.

"You weren't complaining last night when you were sleeping with Tex," Tucker reminded with a playful jab in the side.

"I didn't have blood coming out of my fucking crotch, asshole." Church took a swipe at him with the butt of her rifle, only narrowly missing his head. Tucker ducked under it with less than an inch to spare and part of her was impressed he managed to avoid it. _'I guess the beatdowns York's been putting on him are starting to work out after all. And here I was thinking all Freelancers were assholes.' _

Then she remembered York giving her a subtle smirk when he noticed her limping out of Tex's room after a frenzied lovemaking session. _'Never mind, I take it back. He's an asshole too. How many assholes do we have in this fucking canyon, anyway?' _

She was willing to bet everyone would raise their hands at once. She was surrounded by assholes. At least she could order the ones on the Blue Team to go shoot at the Reds if the mood took her. _'And I hate them. I hate all of them.' _

'…_okay maybe I don't hate Tex, York, or that one guy who offered me beer three weeks ago.' _

"So, Tinkerbell—"

"Tucker, I swear to God, if you fucking ask me what the Reds are doing, I'm going to let Tex use your asshole in her next science project." Church could feel her need to raid the base's liquor stash increasing the longer she stayed outside.

"…I wasn't going to ask that. I was going to ask if you smell that," Tucker replied sheepishly. "Something fucking stinks dude and I doubt it's your snatch blood." Church was gonna kill him if he made one more period joke.

She peered over the edge of the cliff and saw the body she used to have, still lying on the dirty ground with flies surrounded it. The stench of rotting flesh made her gag even through her helmet filters and she glared at him.

"Dude, what the actual fuck? You didn't bury my body!?"

"The fuck do we look like, gravediggers!? We don't even have a fucking shovel to bury that old body of yours!"

"You could've called command and asked them to send out a ship to pick it up and send it back to Earth to be with my family, you jackass," Church snapped with a growl. "Or my other loved ones."

"But you're not dead, you rotten bitch. And what the fuck are you complaining about? You've got a new much hotter body now," Tucker pointed out, motioning to her chest. "I don't know about you, but I sure as fuck wouldn't be complaining if I've got the body of a girl instead of being dead. Seems like being alive is a hell of a lot better."

"Wait until your period comes, then say that. Right now, death is looking pretty fuckin' desirable," Church muttered irritably.

"_Oh my God, would you two just shut the fuck up and kiss already!? You're giving me a headache!" _an achingly familiar voice snapped from below.

Tucker and Church froze and looked at each other. "Dude…did you hear that? That sounded…that sounded like you. Before you became a chick that is."

"Bullshit." Church shook her head. "That's fucking impossible."

"_Oh, you better fucking believe it, bitch," _the voice snapped. Church sighed and looked back at the base, keying Tex and York on the comms. _'Oh there is no way in hell they're going to believe this bullshit. I'm going to need more than that whiskey tonight.' _

"Hey, uh, guys? We've got a problem."

"_Damn fucking right you do!" _

For once in her life, Church really hated herself. "For the love of God, shut the fuck up. I'm not drunk enough to deal with your bullshit. York, you there?"

"_Read you loud and clear. Sounds like you've got quite a problem. I'll be there in five." _

"Thanks," she breathed. "Nice to know someone around here isn't a total assh—"

"_By the way, Tex and I drank your whiskey. You didn't need that for anything, did you?" _Church could imagine the shit eating smirk he wore on his face.

"MOTHERFUCKER!"

_**A/N: This…was way more fun to write than it should have been XD. I hope you recognize the subtle movie reference (free internet cookies to those who guess right). Also, been wondering…should we have a spinoff series with FemChurch and Tucker? XD **_

_**Cal 141#5371**_


	17. Chapter 17

_**A/N: Chapter 17! I'd love to spoil absolutely everything, but I was told that if I did, I'd get a grappling hook shot at my crotch. Sorry, but that shit sucks XD**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 17***

Leona Church had seen some strange shit in her life. She'd been blown up by a tank, shot in the head, and turned into a girl all in the same day. She'd seen Tex beat someone to death with their own skull. She watched York punch a member of her team through a window with ease.

But seeing the male version of herself appear in front of her as a ghost, and a really asshole-y one at that? That took the fucking cake. _'No way. No fucking way. I refuse to believe I'm actually seeing this shit. Am I drunk or just suffering from heat exposure?'_

She pinched herself to see if that was the case. _'Ow, fuck!' _Okay, she was (sadly) sober and in perfect health. If she could ignore the blood coming out of her crotch.

The male version of her glowered at her, seemingly very pissed off. _"Come the fuck on! I get fucking killed by my own teammate and this shit happens!? I apparently turned into a fucking chick!?"_

At least the 'Church is an asshole' part was familiar to her.

"Yes, dickhead," Leona snapped back, her hands on her hips as she scowled at the white figure. "And for the record, asshole, I didn't exactly ask for this. You apparently split from me."

"_Oh fuck off, Blue Tits." _The ghost snorted in annoyance and didn't seem too impressed. _"I didn't ask to be fucking shot at by a tank or have myself reincarnated into a fucking girl!"_ Okay, maybe he had a legit reason to be a little pissed off.

"_And not only that, but now you're fucking my girlfriend, too!?" _Never mind, she took it back.

"Hey, asshole," Leona growled. "I'm the one who got blown up. You split from me and became a separate entity. Or you already were one to begin with. Either way, quit your goddamn bitching." _'Was I this annoying as a guy? Fuck, I'm starting to feel a little bad for Tucker and Caboose. Damn I am an asshole.'_

She fucking called it. Surrounded by assholes. _'Goddammit this fucking canyon sucks.'_

"_Oh really!? Then why does your date of birth say…wait a fucking minute, you're not even in the goddamn records for Command!" _Good God, hearing her old voice was actually making her understand why Tex dumped her in the first place. He really was annoying.

"Look, Church—"

"_Oh don't you fucking start, Tucker!" _

"I just wanted to ask a question before the tan nerd ruins the moment!" Tucker put his hands up defensively, but Leona could practically see him smirking under his helmet. "If you two ever fuck, does that count as incest or masturbation?"

After a pregnant silence Leona pulled the bolt back on her rifle and aimed at him. "Five."

"Come on, it was a joke!" Tucker pleaded.

"Four."

"Calm down, gorgeous!"

"Three." Leona made sure her ammo counter was full. Yep it was.

"Is it too late for me to give you flowers for Valentine's Day?" Tucker asked hopefully.

"Two." Leona took aim.

"Oh come on!" Tucker groaned.

"One." She fired at him just as he started to run, narrowly missing him.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Tucker ducked and nearly tripped as he tried to avoid the shots from his very pissed off leader. "Come on, you could actually hurt me!"

"That's what I'm going for, jackass!" Leona yelled, firing at him again. Tucker dropped to the ground and didn't move for a few seconds, covering his head, and a very concerned York came by with his shotgun in hand.

He looked at Tucker on the ground trying to make himself as small as possible, then at Leona and the ghost Church. He let out a sigh and approached her, shaking his head. "I'm not drunk enough for this, I swear…"

"_The fuck is that supposed to mean!?" _the ghost Church yelled angrily.

York glared at him. "It means I don't have time for this petty bullshit. But I don't exactly have a choice so there's no point in me complaining about it. Especially since I'll have to do it later anyway."

He took a seat on a nearby rock and looked at Leona. "How much of your past life do you remember?"

Leona lowered her rifle and chewed her lip, thinking. "I…I remember the Human-Covenant War. I remember seeing aliens attacking human colonies and me signing up, but instead…I was stationed here for some reason. I can't remember too much until Captain Flowers showed up and explained to me that I was a new recruit and he'd train me. After that, it's as clear as day. Why?"

"I thought so." York stood up and looked at the two Churches. He gestured to her first. "You were originally a body made to house him." He pointed to the ghost version. "And he is not a ghost. He's actually the artificial intelligence program assigned to Project Freelancer."

"Wait a second…are you fucking telling me—"

"He's the Alpha. He's an AI."

"_You're fucking stupid, dude," _the ghost said irritably. _"I'm not a fucking computer program. I have fucking memories!" _

"All AI do." York shook his head. "You're a copy of someone else. More specifically, you're an AI made from a clone of Dr. Leonard Church, the Director of Project Freelancer. This whole little 'Red versus Blue' war is nothing more than a simulation program designed to train Freelancers. Don't you find it a little too convenient that both sides are evened out in a stalemate? Or that Doc wore purple armor and helps both the Red and Blue armies?"

"…oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me." Leona groaned and felt the headache. She wasn't sure if it was from the information dump or her period, but she was inclined to believe it was some fucked up combination of both. _'No way. This whole war is nothing but a lie? We've been here just to be cannon fodder!?'_

"Afraid it's all true. I could have Alpha—"

"_Church. My name is Church." _

"…I could have Church here pull up every last file related to the Freelancer project to prove it to you back at base," York finished with a glare at Church as he was now calling himself.

"What do you suppose we do about him? If he is such an important AI, then we can't exactly leave him in a rotting carcass." Leona wrinkled her nose in disgust. _'Even though I'd love to. Man, other me is an asshole.' _

"_I heard that, you bitch." _

'_And apparently he knows what I'm thinking now, too. Fucking beautiful.' _

"Well, you two seem to be very well acquainted already." Leona could feel York smirking. "So…"

Leona took one look at her AI self and sighed in despair. "Oh you've gotta be fucking kidding me. No. Nope. No fucking way. I will live out the rest of my life in a cave before I put him in my head."

"_I'm not exactly thrilled about that either." _

"See? You both agree on something already." York laughed lightheartedly. "Come on, Leona. You're making progress here."

"No, we agree on something else too." Leona scowled.

"And that is?"

"_You're a fucking asshole." _Church growled.

"Hey, I'm not even the worst one. I'd argue that I'm the nicest one in this canyon," York objected, pretending to be hurt by the false accusation.

"That's not exactly an achievement considering your competition," Leona shot back. "Pretty much everyone in this fucking canyon is an asshole."

"Dunno, that Doc guy seemed pretty nice." York tapped his visor as if he were pretending to ponder on that thought.

"HAHA YOU FOOLS! TASTE OBLIVION!"

Leona, Alpha, and York watched in shock as Doc zoomed by them in a weird purple vehicle with a rocket launcher in hand. He fired a single rocket at Tucker and the aqua soldier flew through the air before falling in a heap. "Son of a bitch!"

"Tucker!" Leona sprinted over to her teammate to check if he was okay. He was lying on his stomach and he groaned in pain. The visor on his helmet was cracked and some of his armor was smoldering, but he was at least alive. "Shit, are you okay?"

"Ughhhhh…that guy, Doc…" Tucker groaned.

"Yeah, he shot you."

"No…he's a fucking asshole. Kill him for me…"

"Trust me, Tucker, I fucking will," Leona promised. "If anyone's gonna kill you, it's me. Not that dickhead."

"Wait." York stopped her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "We can't leave Church behind. Take him with you."

"And how am I supposed to go about doing that?" she asked dryly.

"Didn't Tex do the operation on you after you had sex last week?" York pointed out. "You should have neural implants to house an artificial intelligence unit—"

"Dude, all I'm hearing are words that would get me beat up in high school," Tucker mumbled from his spot in the dirt. Leona responded by prodding him in the side and he groaned in pain. "Owww…I wanna die…"

"Oh shut up, you'll live." York let out an unimpressed snort and looked back at Leona. "Like I was saying, you should be able to put Church in your suit if you got the implants."

She looked at the AI version of herself and sighed. "For the record, I'm really not too thrilled about this."

"_Neither am I," _Church said with a growl. _"But if this means we can go after that prick, then fuck it. Besides, this rotting carcass isn't exactly a nice home." _

"No shit." Leona rolled her eyes and kneeled down next to her old body. She lifted the head and yanked out a small chip from the back of the helmet before sliding it into her own, repressing a shiver as Church entered her mind.

"_Huh…you've got a lot of strange thoughts in here, I must say," _Church remarked. _"Way more than I expected. You're confused sexually? How is that even possible?"_

'_I don't fucking know, maybe because I turned into a girl and got back together with Tex after I got Omega out of her head?' _Leona thought back. _'This shit is confusing as fuck, but all I know is that damn this body is sensitive. I can feel everything.' _

"_Ugh. Spare me the details." _Church groaned in mock nausea and she turned around when she heard Spanish music approaching her. She'd know that music anywhere. It was the fucking Reds, AGAIN.

"For…this better be good." Leona aimed her rifle as they approached in their jeep and stopped in front of her and York. Sarge hopped out of the passenger seat with his shotgun in hand and let out a growl.

"Blue. Did that Doc guy just speed past here?" he asked.

"Yeah. And he shot at my teammate." She jerked her thumb towards the motionless Tucker. "Don't get excited; he's still alive."

"Really? Well I could fix that—"

York pumped his shotgun.

"By leaving him with a harmless princess in pink who will be more than happy to babysit him," Sarge finished. Holy shit, he was actually scared of York, even if he'd never admit it out loud. Leona couldn't blame him.

York was way too nice of a guy for the amount of ways he knew how to kill people.

"So, where did he go? He took Lopez with him," Sarge said. "And I am not having someone steal away the only tolerable one on the team and walking away unscathed."

Leona shrugged. "Dunno. He was heading towards Blue Base for some reason. He's not going to find anything there except a lot of pain once Tex is through with him." She was more than confident her girlfriend would beat the living shit out of Doc with one hand behind her back despite the medic having a rocket launcher on him.

"_Um, Leona? Doc just went through the base's teleporter and disappeared. I think he's heading your way. And he fucking shot me."_

Or maybe not.

Leona let out a frustrated sigh and tried to ignore her implant burning thanks to Church being annoyed. "Well, great. Any other good news while we're at it?"

"_Two things. One: he apparently rigged the teleporter so he could be anywhere now. Two: fucking kill him for me. As painfully as possible too." _Well, great. Tex wouldn't be going anywhere until she recovered enough and Tucker was also down. At least she still had York for company. _'Still someone tolerable to talk to. Not a complete shitshow yet.'_

"_I heard that, you bitch." _Church hissed in anger.

Leona rolled her eyes. It was going to be a long day.

_**A/N: And that does it for this one. I should probably get some sleep now…*crashes at laptop* **_

_**Cal 141#5371**_


	18. Chapter 18

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 18 of this glorious crack. This chapter, we get to have fun with the wonderful teleporters and the Blood Gulch crew ending up in random-ass places for shits and giggles xD**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 18***

With a few of the Reds and York behind her, Leona made her way back across the canyon to Blue Base. Her sniper rifle was in her hands and she tried to ignore the burning from her implant in the back of her head. Church was being an asshole as per the usual, but good God he needed to quit making her head feel like it was on fire.

"Can you fucking stop already!?" she hissed under her breath. "I get it; you're pissed off!"

Church's response was to make it burn even hotter.

Leona growled and for a moment was tempted to yank the son of a bitch just to make him to shut up. He would definitely bitch at her relentlessly for it, but at least she wouldn't have him in her head. Plus she could always just mute her armor's speakers and operate on just their team's private communications channel.

"_Don't even fucking think about it," _Church hissed in her head. _"Yes, I can tell what you're thinking. Jesus fucking Christ, you're actually worse than Tex."_

'_No, you're just an asshole,' _she snapped back. _'Maybe if you pulled your fucking head out of your ass you'd see that.'_

"_Oh shut up. Bitch."_

'_Dick biscuit.'_

Yep, she definitely was not going to enjoy this. AIs were supposed to be nice, like Delta. Instead, of course her luck being as terrible as it is she was stuck with the one AI that was an asshole through and through.

'_Seeing as he's a copy of the Director, I honestly cannot say I am surprised that he turned out to be a dick.' _As she approached her base Tex came wobbling out, part of her black armor ruined with a large crack in her shiny visor. "You look like shit."

"You should see the other guy." Tex laughed weakly, her helmet falling off of her head. It landed in the sand and she groaned. "So, can you be a sweetheart and buy me dinner? I'll pay you with a good time."

"Later. I need to find Doc so you can kill him." Leona cracked a smile and ignored Church's fake retch. "But don't worry, you'll get laid when I'm back with his body. Feel free to blow it up using Sheila. She's still sad about not getting much action." Why their tank was named that, she didn't know. She was just going to blame Caboose and call it a day.

When in doubt, blame the biggest idiot in the canyon.

"_Okay, so we both agree that Caboose is an idiot. Well, one more thing we share in common I suppose."_ Church let out an annoyed huff and Leona could see him crossing his arms. _"Apart from thinking York was an asshole for suggesting this and sleeping with Tex, of course."_

'_Hey, it's progress.'_ Leona tried not to smirk a little. _'Just don't call me your sister and we'll get along just fine, Church.' _

"_Fine with me. By the way, your girlfriend is staring at your tits." _

'_That's nothing new. You should've seen her when she first saw me like this.' _

"_Spare me the fucking details." _Church groaned. _"I think I have a new motto for life. Every woman is bi. You just have to figure out if it's bisexual or bipolar. In Tex's case, it's both." _

'_I worked that out on my own, funnily enough. Though in fairness you gotta give her some credit; she has been doing a lot better since her AI got terminated.' _Leona shrugged. _'And really? That's your new motto?'_

"_What, you got a better one?" _

'_Yeah. There's a fine line between not listening and not giving a shit. I like to think I walk that line every day of my life.'_

"…_that's pretty good, actually. But I think I'm sticking with my new one," _Church said. _"Now are we going to fucking do something or are we sitting around twiddling our thumbs?"_

'_Yeah, yeah.' _Leona rolled her eyes and gave Tex a hug. "Can you keep an eye on Tucker with that pink idiot over there?" She jerked her thumb back towards Donut, who was trying to encourage Tucker to fight through the agony he was in. "Don't worry; he's completely harmless. And an idiot."

"So are about ninety percent of this canyon's inhabitants," York pointed out dryly. "That's not exactly saying much."

"Shut up York." Leona scowled and ignored him. "Anyway, he shouldn't be a threat. But if he does try anything funny, don't hesitate to get Sheila to make him blow up."

"Sounds like a good date. I'll be sure to repay you later," Tex purred.

Leona could only roll her eyes. She really did not know how the hell she dealt with her girlfriend sometimes.

"_Now you see what I had to deal with," _Church said with a groan.

'_Oh please. You were completely fucking whipped. Interesting memory of her pegging you, I have to say.' _

"_I thought we said we wouldn't fucking talk about that!"_

'_I never agreed to anything. Choose your words more carefully next time.' _Leona smirked triumphantly. "Alright, we'll go in pairs. Sarge, you go with the idiot Caboose. Simmons, you and York. Grif, me and you. Try anything funny and I swear to God I'll kill you."

The fat orange (gold? The fuck color armor was that, anyway?) soldier merely huffed and blew out a cloud of cigarette smoke. "Not my type. But whatever, sure. Let's just get this over with…"

"Alright. Tex, you think you and Sheila can keep everything under control here?" Leona asked.

Her girlfriend chuckled and raised a magnum. "Trust me, if push comes to shove, I can kick that pink fucktard's ass."

"Good to hear."

The Reds and Blues assembled on top of the base, ready to go through the teleporter, and Simmons went first with York. "Fuck man, I hate this." York only blew a kiss back to Leona and Tex, the blue armored woman glad the helmet hid her blush.

"N-next!" She coughed to regain her composure.

"Yeehaw!" Sarge leapt through with a cackle, dragging Caboose along with him. With any luck, Sarge would murder him in five minutes. She could only pray.

She looked at Grif, sighing. "You ready?"

"Sure. Let's just get this over with. I have a few beers back at base I want to drink."

Leona rolled her eyes and shoved him through it, following him.

* * *

When Leona appeared on the other side of the teleporter, the first thing she noticed was the fucking cold. Wherever they were, it was absolutely freezing and she shivered in her armor. "Church, do me a favor and turn on the heater. It's fucking cold."

"_Um, I don't think that's our biggest problem right now," _Church replied uneasily.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"_Look around." _Church vanished and Leona looked around. She wondered why the hell Grif was silent and not complaining.

They had appeared in front of a giant fortress in the snow and were now surrounded by twenty heavily armed soldiers. All of them pointed assault rifles and shotguns at her and she sighed while Grif whimpered in fear.

"Well fuck me."

_**A/N: And that does it for this one! Next up, Caboose and Sarge in Beaver Creek, York and Simmons in the weird teleporter system, and Leona and Grif bitch about being prisoners XD. See you then!**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	19. Chapter 19

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter nineteen of this heresy I'm trying to call a story xD. Last chapter we saw shit start to go down and now, we get to the fun stuff of Leona and Grif in prison, York trying not to murder Simmons, and Sarge and Caboose in Beaver Creek. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 19***

Leona growled in annoyance and kicked the doors of their cell, glaring at the guard stationed outside. "Come on, let me out of here you asshole!"

The guard scoffed and turned his back on her, making her get even more pissed off at their predicament.

"_Nice negotiating skills." _And Church wasn't fucking helping, as usual. Asshole.

Leona let out another growl and kicked the wall, screaming in frustration. "FUCK! How the hell did we even get into this problem in the first place!? GODDAMMIT!"

Grif merely yawned and leaned against his side of the cell. "Quit the yelling, lady. It isn't going to work. If it did, we'd be out by now."

"Well fucking try something apart from sleep, will you?" Leona glared at him.

"Sure." Grif let out another yawn and yelled at the guard. "Hey, come on, lemme out, will ya? I don't even know this bitch! She fuckin' kidnapped me!"

Again, the guard refused to answer.

"Great job Grif. Way to be a team player." Leona rolled her eyes.

"Hey, I gotta think about myself here," Grif defended.

"There's no 'I' in team, Grif."

"Yeah? Well there's no 'U' either. So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then no one's on the goddamn team! The team sucks!"

Leona wasn't sure whether to sigh in despair and give up or just punch Grif as hard as she could in the face.

She settled for both.

"Ow! That fucking hurt you bitch!"

'_I really hope the others have it better than this…'_

* * *

York looked around at his surroundings with his shotgun out, searching for any signs of potential threats. As far as he could tell, he was alone in some strange facility with lines of teleporters as far as he could see. So far, he couldn't complain.

"Ow…" Simmons let out a pained whimper at his feet, curled up in the fetal position.

Never mind, he took it back. He _definitely_ could complain.

'_I seriously cannot fucking believe I got myself roped up in this whole mess. Why the hell can't things ever be simple for once?' _York rolled his eyes and yanked the maroon soldier to his feet. "Come on, get up you big baby. You're not even bleeding."

Simmons yelped in pain as he was hauled to his feet by the Freelancer, rubbing his shoulder. "H-hey! You could've seriously hurt me!"

'_That does it. Next time I meet with a UNSC official, I'm asking for a pay raise. I do not get paid enough for this shit.' _York was about ten seconds away from punching Simmons as hard as he could when the maroon soldier looked around. "Wait…where the fuck are we?"

"Looks like a teleportation system," York answered, trying to not let his anger and annoyance with the simulation troopers get out of hand. It wouldn't be pretty if he did.

Plus, he seriously doubted Leona or Tex would forgive him even if he asked nicely. _'Now I'm starting to see just how those two ended up together in the first place. Though if they could try and cut down on the amount of times they have sex a day, that would be appreciated.'_

"D, any ideas?" he asked.

"_This appears to be a galaxy-wide teleportation system. If I remember correctly, this used to be used by the UNSC as an insurance policy during the Covenant War. If any of our troops came under heavy fire and were about to be compromised, they'd switch the teleporters to make a random jump somewhere in UNSC space," _Delta answered.

"…so you're basically telling me that Leona, Grif, Sarge, and Caboose could be anywhere in the galaxy right now."

"_Correct, Agent York." _

…

"Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me." York facepalmed and groaned. So much for hoping this could be easier once they figured out what this place was.

"Language, sir."

"Shut up, private."

"Yes, sir…" Simmons looked down at the floor in shame. "Is there anything I can do to help? I promise I won't get in your way. You know, cramp your style, that whole thing."

York could only sigh and wonder how the hell he ended up stuck with possibly the worst excuse for a soldier he had ever seen. Then he remembered that it was Leona who made the teams. He couldn't fault her for that. It was shitty luck that they ended up here and not where Doc was.

He just hoped that the rest of the search parties were having better luck than him. He doubted it, knowing just how short of a fuse Leona had. Still, it never hurt to have a bit of hope. Out of everyone in Project Freelancer he definitely was the one with the most positive attitude excluding Florida and North.

At least, he thought of himself as a positive person. Being a downer all the time was Wyoming's job.

With his shotgun in hand he looked around and hummed. With any luck, they could use the teleporters for a different purpose. _'Hm. Doc rigged the teleporter at Blue Base to lead to somewhere else.' _

"D, any chance you could track the others via their armor?" he asked.

"_Possibly. I will need their armor's tracking systems online," _Delta answered. _"Otherwise, tracking them will be a whole lot harder." _

"Damn. I doubt they know how to activate the IFF in their suits." York frowned and looked around. He suddenly noticed that it was a hell of a lot quieter than it was a few seconds ago and he didn't like that.

"Wait…where the hell did Simmons run off to?"

* * *

Sarge looked around at his surrounding with a frown. He was standing in the middle of what appeared to be another battlefield. Only this time instead of an empty desert canyon, he was in some sort of woodland area. A creak ran through the middle underneath a large fallen tree and next to him, his…partner, for lack of better term, was confused.

"Um, Mister Sarge?"

"Yes, Caboose?"

"Why are these people sleeping? Nap time comes before snack time, not after. I think these people are just making up times!" he exclaimed, looking at the many bodies on the ground.

Sarge sighed and shook his head, crouching down to investigate one of the bodies. "Um, son? I hate to tell you, but he's dead."

"Dead!? Oh no!" Caboose began to sniffle. "But wait, if he's blue and dead, does that mean I'm dead!?"

Sarge reached for his flask of whiskey and took a drink through his helmet filters.

He was going to need it today.

He looked at the still bodies, a combination of both red and blue soldiers, and he yelled out at them. "Hello!? Is anyone alive!? Preferably any Red Team survivors!? Don't let that discourage you if you're a Blue!"

Silence answered him.

Sarge turned to Caboose and shrugged. "Well, looks like everyone's dead. Oh well."

"WHOO!"

Sarge turned around and watched as all of the bodies, both red and blue, were suddenly standing up again and cheering. They all split off to their respective teams and ran to the two bases on either side of the woodland creek, leaving them standing in the water.

Sarge could only think of one question.

"What in Sam hell just happened!?"

_**A/N: And that does it. XD next up, more fun from Beaver Creek and Sidewinder. The whole time travel thing is gonna be a lot of fun…I'll see you all then!**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371 **_


	20. Chapter 20

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 20 of this crack. Last chapter we saw our cast in various different parts of the galaxy and now we continue that XD. Hope you enjoy. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 20***

Sarge and Caboose walked over to one of the bases, the red soldier still confused as to what the hell he had just witnessed. He didn't know what the hell was going on, apart from there was obviously some form of battle like there was in Blood Gulch. Except with a lot more death.

He spotted a lone window in the back of the base and motioned for the blue soldier. "Caboose? Get over here. I need you to give me a boost."

"Okay!" Caboose said loudly, walking over to him. "You are a good leader and people like you a lot."

Sarge resisted the urge to use his shotgun for more practical purposes and sighed. "Not a morale boost, moron. I need you to give me a boost so I can look through that window."

Caboose looked at the window and shook his head. "Sir, that window is too high. I don't think you can reach it." Oh for fuck's sake. He was so not paid enough for this shit.

Sarge sighed in frustration and picked the dumb soldier up. No wonder Leona hated him so damn much. Caboose let out a startled meep but Sarge shut him up with a thump in the leg. "What can you see in there!?"

"_Kill the Reds, kill the Reds, kill the Reds!"_

"…you're not going to like it, sir," Caboose murmured.

Sarge had heard enough of it to know that the same thing was probably being said on the other side. He dropped Caboose like a sack of potatoes and pumped his shotgun. There was murder in the air tonight. Or whatever the hell passed for night here. According to his heads up display it was 2348 hours and yet the sun still shone brightly.

A loud war horn echoed throughout the woodlands and Sarge frowned under his helmet. "Funny. That sounds familiar. Almost like…"

"WHOO!"

Blue and Red soldiers poured out of their respective bases, each of them shooting at each other with a variety of weapons.

"Haha, take that bitch!" one Blue with a rocket launcher crowed. He was promptly shot by a Red crouched down behind a rock with a sniper rifle and he screamed. "Ow! You camping whore!"

"It's a legitimate strategy!" the sniper snapped back. He got hit in the back by the butt of a shotgun and he fell face first into the creek.

"Everyone! Everyone, stop!" one Red cried out. In his hands was something Sarge dreamt about one day holding. It was blue, big, and sexy. It was the Blue Team's most prized possession.

Their flag.

"Look! I have captured the Blue flag!" the Red yelled. "I alone am victorious! Now bow to your master, Blues!"

Not even three seconds later he was surrounded by every Blue still standing and beaten to death. Sarge chuckled. Son of a bitch had it coming, acting like that.

However, the Red and Blue soldiers again started shooting at each other. Sarge let out a defeated sigh and looked at Caboose. "Caboose, it pains me to say this, but we need to work together to get these idiots to stop pointlessly killing each other and tell us where the hell we are."

"Agreed, Mr. Sergeant."

* * *

Wyoming smirked under his helmet as he approached a guard, his trusty sniper rifle securely fastened to the back of his armor. The miserable fools guarding this facility had no idea that this was a Freelancer operation, so he didn't have to play by the rules.

He crept behind one guard and smacked him in the back of the head with his sidearm, knocking him unconscious for a moment.

Wyoming carried him off to somewhere a little more conspicuous, putting the soldier on his knees.

The soldier groaned and rubbed his head, looking at the white Freelancer. "Who…? Who the fuck are you?"

"Names aren't important, old chap," Wyoming replied. "I want to know something, and you're going to give me an answer. Nice and simple. You give me the wrong answer, I've got a problem. If I have a problem, then you have a problem. Clear?"

"Y=you've got it man!" The soldier cowered from the Freelancer.

"Right, now—" Wyoming was cut off from asking his question by a call from Freelancer Command. "Sorry chap, I have to take this. Hello?"

"_Wyoming, it's the Director." _Oh, fuck.

"Ah yes, how may I accommodate you today, sir?" Wyoming asked with fake enthusiasm.

"_Agent New York has gone rogue," _the Director said quietly.

"Is that so? Bugger. Hate to kill him. He seems like a decent fellow."

"_Do not let your friendship with New York get in the way of your objective, agent. I need the Omega AI before Agent Texas releases it to the UNSC. Your new orders are to eliminate Agent New York and secure the Omega AI unit at all costs." _

"Yes, sir." Wyoming ended the call and faced the cowering soldier with a grim smile. "Well, good news for you, my friend. I don't have time to torture you, so I'm just going to kill you instead. No loose ends, I'm afraid."

Before the soldier could even move, Wyoming's pistol fired a single shot. The man fell onto the ground with a bullet between the eyes and he holstered the weapon before stealing the soldier's security card. That would come in handy for breaking in.

He started to walk through the base until he came across the holding cell in which a very valuable asset to Project Freelancer remained incarcerated in. He expected the Alpha AI to be in some sort of body.

What he didn't expect was to find an angry blue haired woman glaring daggers at him and looking like she wanted to murder a basket full of puppies and kittens. "Hey, asshole! You gonna let me the fuck out or what?"

Wyoming paused for a moment and studied her. She did bear some resemblance to Carolina, but only a little bit. The personality was far much like Tex for his liking.

"Oh, well what do we have here?" he asked with a broad smile under his helmet. "I thought you would have been in a new body by now, Alpha."

A small white hologram appeared next to the woman and gave him the finger. Yep that was Alpha alright. _"Fuck off, dude. God you're fucking annoying." _

A fat soldier in orange armor yawned and lifted his head up from his resting place. "Who's this jackass?"

The woman rolled her eyes. "He's called Wyoming. He's in the same special forces program as Tex and York."

"Oh…fuck, we're so dead, aren't we?"

"Oh quit your bitching. Being dead is looking a lot more preferable to hearing you complain every five minutes."

Wyoming cleared his throat to get their attention. "Oh, dear Tex…I'd love to see her again. And York, too. Such a pleasant fellow. But I'm afraid I am going to have to kill him too."

"Wait until my ass gets out of here," the woman shot back with a growl, slamming her hand onto the bars.

"Ah but you won't. You're positively quivering in fear," the British Freelancer countered smugly. "You're not going anywhere. So you two enjoy a nice time rotting in prison. Tally ho, chaps."

He chuckled as he heard a frustrated scream behind him while he went off to go secure transport. He had important places to be and less time to get to them. If only he knew where the hell York was to make his job nice and easy for once.

He decided the Director was also an asshole. An asshole in power, but still an asshole.

* * *

York eventually did find Simmons. He was messing around with one of teleporters and for a moment he considered shoving him through it. Then he remembered his promise to Leona about not killing or seriously maiming them. _'Fuck.'_

He hated it.

Swallowing that frustration with the simulation troopers back he approached the maroon soldier as calmly as a heavily armed operative armed to the teeth could. "What are you doing there?"

"Oh, I just heard Sarge's voice come out from here. I was wondering if we could rig it so they'd come to us," he said. "I'm pretty good at this stuff. I built computers."

York only shook his head. "Nerd."

"Hey! My mom says there is nothing to be ashamed of about being an intellectual!" Simmons protested. "One day, I'll be in charge and they will all have to kiss my ass!"

"That day is never happening." York smirked. "Anyway, what have you got?"

"Well I can project a hologram of ourselves, but no communications yet," he admitted. "I'm working on it though."

"_Agent York, incoming transmission on the Freelancer band. A bounty has just been put on you by the Director." _

"…Simmons, work faster."

_**A/N: And that's it for now. I admit I get a lot of the, 'You camping whore!' shit whenever I play Halo online. I'm a sniper player and I use active camo…XD it pisses people off to no end. See you!**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	21. Chapter 21

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 21! Didn't mean to leave this for so long but I got held up with work, sickness, and playing MCC. If any of you guys want to ever get a few games in with me, don't hesitate to add me on Xbox! My gamertag is in my bio **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 21***

York looked at Simmons, trying to get the simulation trooper to work a little bit faster than he was at the moment. "Simmons, how long until you can get Sarge and Caboose here?"

"I need time!" Simmons protested.

"We don't have time. In case you didn't hear, there is a bounty on our heads," York snapped.

"I don't work well under pressure!" Simmons's hands started to shake and he dropped a wire. "Fuck! Give me a minute, will you? Besides, isn't it just you who has the bounty on them?"

York had to give him that one.

"Okay, fair enough," he conceded. He peered at the teleporter systems and had to admit it was impressive seeing one of the simulation troopers was not a complete moron. No, he was just a kiss ass who was too much of a coward at times. That could be fixed.

Hey, if he could turn Agent Washington into one of the top ten agents in Project Freelancer, he could turn Simmons into a proper soldier. At least Simmons didn't have a locker full of cat pictures and a rubber duck. York still didn't understand how the hell Wash ended up with Massa.

"Got it!" Simmons pumped his fist into the air triumphantly. "We can now make visual and radio contact. All that we need now is for them to walk into a teleporter and they can get in here."

"Nice work." York slapped a hand on his shoulder. "Lemme see what outpost they ended up at." York peered through the teleporter and saw Caboose and Sarge fighting off horde after horde of simulation troopers in a woodland creek, both of them spotting some minor injuries. "Sarge, can you hear me?" _'Beaver Creek? Interesting. Didn't think Freelancer had anyone stationed there.'_

"_Simmons? Is that you?"_ Sarge ducked under a swing from the butt of someone's rifle and shot him in the face with his shotgun. _"Haha! Take that, you dirty rotten Blue! You just got Sarge'd!" _

"No, this is Agent York. We're communicating via the teleporter systems," York answered. "We've rigged them so you can get out of there. Looks like we all ended up in different places."

"_Copy that. Kind of getting tired of shooting these morons. Also running out of ammo," _Sarge replied with a grunt. _"Hey, Blue-tard! Get over here!"_

"_Your toast is burnt! And no amount of scrapping will remove the black stuff! I shall eat your unhappiness!" _Caboose roared from somewhere out of York's visual. Nice to see he had become insane instead of completely braindead. It was a pleasant change and York's headache eased somewhat, for reasons he didn't know.

All he knew was that the Director was an asshole for sending him out to Blood Gulch in the first place and that Leona and Tex really needed to get out of his more recent dreams. _'No, bad brain. Stop. Do not think about that, for god's sake.' _

"_Agent York, your pulse is elevated. And that is a very inappropriate image to be thinking about in our current situation," _Delta reprimanded.

'_No fucking shit,' _York thought back dryly, ignoring the slight burning of his implant. _'And cut that shit out, will you?' _

He didn't get a smartass reply back and he almost wished he did. It was preferable to total silence.

"YEEHAW!" Sarge yelled as he came in through the teleporter, landing on one knee with his shotgun at the ready. "WHO'S READY TO HAVE A TASTE OF MY RED JUSTICE!?"

Never mind, he took it back. York liked it better when it was nice and quiet.

"Sarge," he said evenly as the trigger happy old man got to his feet. "Where's Caboose?"

A large blue shape fell through the teleporter and crashed into the floor with a loud thud.

"Never mind…" York groaned and hefted Caboose up. Holy shit the guy weighed a ton. If York didn't know any better, he'd have said that Caboose was augmented or something. How else could he be so heavy?

Caboose shook his head, looking around in confusion. "Where are we? Why am I still wet? Hang on a minute…is this a game?"

"No, you big blue baby," Sarge said with a growl. "We're in a maze of tele-whatsits with no way of knowing if Grif is alive. Oh well. Best to leave him behind. He'll be forgotten immediately."

York rolled his eyes and glared (though with him wearing a helmet it didn't have as much of an affect as he would have liked) at the sergeant. "Do remember that Grif is also with both Leona and Alpha. I'm not leaving them behind if I can help it."

"You know, you seem to be close with a lot of women with short tempers," Sarge remarked gruffly. "You have a fetish or something?"

"I guess so." York shrugged and glanced at Simmons. "Hey, how long until you can lock onto Leona and Grif's location?"

"Give me five minutes," Simmons reported. "Should take no time at all."

York sighed and looked around. Caboose seemed to still be somewhat concussed and Sarge was bitching about having to work with a 'no good dirty rotten Blue'.

"I seriously hope Leona has it better than this…"

* * *

"Ugh, this is fucking bullshit!" Leona kicked the cell doors angrily, glaring at the spot Wyoming disappeared to. "Why does the universe just seem to fucking hate me so goddamned much!?"

"Because all you do is bitch and moan like you're permanently on your period," Grif shot back. "Man, I wish we had some blankets or pillow cases."

"You don't honestly think that's going to help us escape, do you? That shit only works in the movies, and terrible ones at that."

"Who said anything about escaping? I want to use them to make a bed. If I'm gonna die here, I want to do it in my sleep."

Leona growled in annoyance and she looked at Alpha. "Can't you do something to get us out of here? I mean, why the hell else are you here?"

"_Because you dragged me out of my nice sleep against my will?" _Church suggested dryly. _"Yeah, I'll fucking do something alright, you rotten bitch." _

"Dude, don't tell me you're still pissed off about me and Tex."

"_Eh, I don't give a fuck. She was a total bitch. I see you also inherited it." _

"Asshole," Leona muttered, rolling her eyes. "Then what are you going to do? Scare me?"

"_Sure. Boo, motherfucker." _Church sighed. The doors to the cell then opened and Leona looked back at the hologram.

"…did you do that?" she asked.

"_The fuck do I look like, the doorman?" _Church growled. _"No I didn't fucking do it. Someone else must have done it from the outside." _

Leona heard shotgun blasts and screams of agony, and she could only sigh. "I think I know who did it…" _'Real fucking subtle, York.' _

Still, it was better than being trapped in a cell all damn day.

_**A/N: And that's it. Hope you enjoyed, and I shall see you again soon. Also, totally hit me up on Xbox if you want to play MCC with me! **_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	22. Chapter 22

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 22! Last off, we got to see the most subtle jailbreak of all time and now, more fuckery/shenanigans. God this is too fun to do sometimes. I seriously am a little surprised by the amount of traffic it has considered this isn't meant to be taken seriously in the slightest. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 22***

York smacked one soldier in the face with the butt of his shotgun, chuckling as he fell in a heap. The men that the military had stationed here were little better than Marines at the most; compared to a heavily trained operative who spent years fighting both Covenant and Insurrectionists they were little more than cannon fodder.

Sarge was having the time of his life shooting everyone York hadn't already subdued. The red sergeant cackled like a madman with each shot he fired from his weapon, enjoying the carnage they were causing in their jailbreak. "Haha! Take that, you dirty backstabbers! I hope you brought your wallet, because the rent in Hell is paid in advance!"

Okay, maybe York could do without the really terrible one-liners. They were worse than Wyoming's shitty knock-knock jokes and that was saying something. Guy had no sense of humor.

Still it could be worse. He could be like Leona; poor woman was probably going nuts being stuck in a jail cell with Grif and Alpha. He did not envy her.

Simmons meanwhile was trying to hack into the building's security systems while York and Sarge held off the guards and protected Caboose so he couldn't harm anyone. Simmons was nervous and letting out panicked yells every time a stray bullet pinged near him but he was at least getting the job done. "Fuck! Can't you guys take care of them faster!?"

"We are working on it," York shot back with a growl, swapping his shotgun for his battle rifle. He fired three shots into one soldier's chest, aiming for the center of mass. It was better to be sure he hit them rather than trying to be fancy and aim for the head. As a security specialist, close quarters combat was his preferred method of fighting. Long range combat was more suited for Wash, Wyoming, North, or Massa. Still that didn't mean he couldn't hold his own in a ranged firefight.

Sarge continued blasting away with his shotgun, seemingly not bothered by the fact that their enemy was no longer trying to rush them. Instead, the remaining soldiers were trying to take cover in the ice covered rocks that dotted the snowy fields surrounding the base occasionally poking their heads out to return fire. A single shot from a magnum hit York in the shoulder and he grimaced as the healing unit installed in his suit took care of it via biofoam. The crap stung something fierce but it would hold him together for the time being.

"Door is open!" Simmons yelled.

"Good!" York shot a soldier in the face, an instant kill. "Everyone inside! Move it!"

Sarge shoved Caboose in first, the blue soldier falling onto his face. "Get moving you big blue baby!"

"Go! I'll cover you." York pushed Simmons in next, laying down some suppressing fire before heading in himself. The doors slid shut and York let out a sigh of relief. "That went a hell of a lot better than I thought it would. Good work."

"Um, where is everyone else, though?" Simmons asked, picking up his pistol. "It's like they're all…gone."

"Not quite." The tan Freelancer spotted an unmoving body slumped against the wall and he frowned. The corpse had a single magnum shot through the head as if he had been executed and his dog tags had been stolen from him. _'This is Wyoming's work. He always had a thing for taking tags as a way to show off the kills he had gotten. He's here.' _

"Be on your guard. We're not alone here," he warned. "Tread lightly. I do not feel like explaining to Tex and Leona why one or all of you are either dead or seriously injured." _'Hell, both of them would probably find some way to try and kick my ass. Why do I always seem to attract women with short tempers? Sarge was right; I really do have a fetish for this shit.'_

"_Agent York, may I remind you that we have an important objective to accomplish." _And there was the usual remark from Delta. Goddammit. He really hated having an AI sometimes. Having another entity in his head was something he doubted he would ever get used to. He could sort of understand why Washington went insane after he got Epsilon. Good thing Massa was there to help him out.

York swapped back for his shotgun, putting a few shells into the weapon. "Delta, see if you can find their location. We need to get them the hell out of here before we walk into an ambush." The last thing he wanted to do was run into Wyoming here. True he could best him if it came to a fight, but he was also escorting three simulation troopers at the moment. It wouldn't be easy.

Then again, he did sign up for a program that didn't know the definition of the word easy. No holiday, no overtime. Fuck, this job sucked sometimes.

"_Targets located. Both simulation troopers are alive and their signs are green. No harm has come to them," _Delta reported. _"Marking their location on your HUD." _

"Copy that." York brought up the map of the facility onto his HUD and he locked onto their location. "They're in Cell Block Alpha. Let's move." _'And no sign of Wyoming, either. Where the hell is he? I thought he would have wanted to go after Alpha.' _

The fact that Wyoming hadn't taken Alpha from Leona was a little worrying. If any of the rogue Freelancers got their hands on it, they would be damn near unstoppable. He did not want to think about what could happen if they did.

York found the cell block and was surprised to see Leona and Grif standing outside it already. "What the hell? I thought you were imprisoned!"

"Wait you're not the ones who broke us out? What the fuck is going on?" Leona asked. "I thought that was your work!"

"Nope. We were the causes of the panicked screams though." Sarge laughed. "Oh, and I have something to do." He walked over to Grif and punched him in the stomach.

"Ow! Why…?" Grif groaned, clutching his stomach as he fell on the floor.

York sighed and rolled his eyes, yanking him up to his feet. "Get up. Sarge, stop hitting your soldiers before I park my foot in your ass." He'd do it too. Again.

"Yeah this is all great and all, but can I get a fucking weapon?" Leona asked. "Assholes kind of took my fucking rifle when they captured us."

York tossed her a fallen pistol he plucked from a dead soldier. "Here. It's not your SRS99 rifle, but it'll work for now. 2x scope and can drop anything short of a split jaw general with three shots to the head. Have fun."

Leona caught it and observed the handgun. "Hmm. Not bad. It'll do for now. Though I am so fucking kicking their asses for taking my goddamned rifle."

York had to chuckle at least a little bit. It was nice to see she had the same kind of fire in her as Tex did. "Is Alpha with you?"

"_Yes I am here." _Alpha's hologram flashed up on her shoulder. _"Asshole. The fuck took you so goddamned long? It was hell for me! I had to listen to her constantly bitching and moaning like someone on their period and this fat asshole was looking for somewhere to sleep." _

Leona fired a shot at the AI and he gave her the middle finger. _"Hologram, bitch." _

"Let's just go…" York sighed. "Tex is waiting for us back at Blood Gulch."

"Good. I need a good nap to end this shitty day." Leona yawned.

…

"You mean have sex with her," York deadpanned.

"Can neither confirm nor deny those claims," Leona returned smugly.

Goddammit.

_**A/N: Yep, I couldn't resist it. I have had way too much fun with this story. Can we call this one a success? I mean…it's actually got over 50 reviews and 100 followers. That counts as one in my book. XD **_

_**See you!**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	23. Chapter 23

_**A/N: Hello and welcome to chapter 23! Last off we had Leona, Grif and Alpha reunite with three of our favorite idiots and York. Now? Well…cut to Blood Gulch and Tex losing what's left of her sanity.**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 23***

Tex looked at the heavy bandages covering most of her upper body and groaned. They were stiff and didn't allow her to move freely like she was used to doing. If anything, she was more annoyed that she allowed herself to get her ass kicked by an idiot with multiple personality disorder than anything. She was the best damn agent in Project Freelancer; how the hell did a fucking pacifist medic manage to beat her like it was nothing?

Oh right. He had a fucking rocket launcher. Cowardly little shitstain. Tex would kill him slowly and painfully, just like she did to that kid Jimmy back on Sidewinder. She'd rip out Doc's skull and beat him to death with it. She was old fashioned like that.

The blonde Freelancer had murder in her heart. She had heard the phrase was technically, 'boner for murder' but in her case it was kind of inapplicable. Despite what Tucker said she did not have a dick. Leona would know that first hand.

Speaking of Tucker she had originally came outside to see if he had bled to death yet. Hearing him moan and cry in pain for four hours was pretty goddamn annoying. "Hey, Pinky! Is that asshole dead yet!?"

"It's not pink, it's lightish red!" the soldier protested.

"Just answer the fucking question." Tex rolled her eyes. She was feeling York's pain already. Poor bastard was alone with most of the Reds and Blues and probably losing some of his sanity in the process. At least he had Leona with him.

Wait a minute…no, he wouldn't do that. She was definitely not feeling somewhat jealous. Nope. Negative. No way.

"He's fine," the pink soldier said. "But he wants me to kill him for some reason. Says to finish what had been started."

"Too bad." Tex snorted and folded her arms, feeling somewhat exposed without her armor covering her body. "Tell him he can't die until Leona says so."

She glanced over at their smart tank, noticing the main gun was pointed at her. "…Sheila, please refrain from pointing that at me. I'm pretty sure I only have one life."

"_I was only going to ask you a question," _Sheila complained. _"Do you ever feel as though…the men stare at you?"_

"Yeah, all the fucking time." Tex snorted in laughter. "Welcome to the life of a woman in the military. Everyone stares at you and either wants to try and beat you or have sex with you. Sometimes both, depending. I don't exactly have treads or a ninety millimeter cannon like you do, but I have other things that catch their attention."

"_Oh? And what are they?" _Sheila asked curiously.

"…they're called tits," Tex deadpanned. "How the hell did you not know even that!?"

"_I do not know. Perhaps it was an oversight in my design to include that information in my databanks," _Sheila answered. _"After all, my contractor made the lowest bid." _

"Gee, I wonder why."

"_I too often wonder why they refrained from adding necessary information to me."_

"That was sarcastic…" Tex rolled her eyes and walked back inside to grab a sniper rifle to do some scouting. If she was stuck here, at least she could be somewhat productive while she waited for her girlfriend to turn back up. _'Fuck me this sucks. I hate waiting.'_

Almost as much as she hated Tucker. She was the only one who got to feel Leona's ass, not him. Asshole.

She found one of the long range weapons in the base's armory alongside a few standard assault rifles and pistols. The blonde initially grabbed two handfuls of magazines, only to put most of them back and only take five. If she needed that much ammunition on a mere scouting run, she was probably dead anyway.

"Hey, Sheila! I'm heading up to the cliffs to scout a bit! Come find me if everyone gets back here before I do!" she yelled at the tank, rifle slung over her shoulder.

The tank fired a shot at Tucker in response.

"Missed." Good enough.

The blonde Freelancer glanced once over her shoulder and trekked along the canyon wall until she reached the weather beaten path to the cliffs. Once there, she took cover behind a rock jutting out and drew her rifle. She didn't think she'd spot any trouble but it never hurt to be prepared. Especially if what she had heard from her source inside of Freelancer Command was true.

According to the latest intel, the Director hadn't taken York's desertion too kindly and put a 'KOS' mark on him for negligence of duty. The person hunting York was none other than Agent Wyoming, another Freelancer. And, in Tex's mind, the most annoying out of them all. Yes, even including that bitch South Dakota. Vulture.

Tex looked through her rifle's scope and clicked on the black button on the side, making everything zoom in thanks to the weapon's 5x scope. It could be dialed all the way up to 10x if needed, but if the target was that far away, she wasn't sure she'd be hitting it. She wasn't a master with the damn thing like the project's sharpshooters.

Just holding the SRS99 made her think back to one of the times she walked in on Wyoming, North Dakota, and Massachusetts all having a pissing contest as to find out who was truly the best sniper. It was funny to watch; York and Washington were cheering them on with buckets of popcorn in their laps while Maine just stared silently like he always did. Florida…well the upbeat old fuck made comments about how he wished he could go back to his younger days.

She couldn't remember who eventually won the contest, though she could remember that it sure as shit wasn't Wyoming. He was good, no doubt about it. But North and Massa were on totally different levels. During the break in to Freelancer Command, North had managed to hold off his sister with two sniper rifles, one for each hand. Smug bastard.

'_Nope. Not a fuckin' thing out here. Nothing but sand.' _Tex sighed and she wasn't sure if she was disappointed at the lack of action or relieved. She wasn't exactly wearing anything resembling armor with it completely wrecked back at Blue Base.

"Why is there nothing to do in this fucking canyon but sit around and talk all goddamn day?" she complained to no one in particular. "This is so dull."

If she had to sit here and wait for any longer she was going to lose her shit. Well, she'd lose what little of her sanity remained. Thanks for ruining that too, Omega. Fucking asshole.

The heat from the sun was making her sweat heavily and she groaned, wiping it out of her eyes. "I fucking hate my life sometimes."

"TEX!" Tucker yelled from below. "DONUT'S AT MY ROCK! GET HIM AWAY FROM IT! IT'S MY ROCK!"

"…never mind, I take it back." The blonde let out a threatening growl and started to stomp towards the fallen Blue. "I hate everyone else's life. Wish they didn't fucking have them."

…

"Oh my god I'm starting to sound like Leona," she realized with a sigh. "Fuck this goddamned canyon. I bet Leona and York don't have to deal with anything this annoying."

She jumped from her perch and made her way over to Tucker, who was finally able to move again. "I'm trying to fucking scout, and you call me to complain that some asshole is by a fucking rock!?"

"You don't understand," Tucker protested, wobbling up to his feet and clutching his side. "That's my special place. During 'Alone Time'."

"…do I even want to know what you do during that?"

"Well, uh, it's kind of a sec—"

"Rhetorical question, jackass." Tex narrowed her eyes and glared. One perk to not wearing a helmet. Her glares were actually effective for once. The aqua soldier cowered, now experiencing her glare for himself for the first time, and he slowly backed away towards Blue Base.

"Yeah…I'm just…gonna go back to base and lay down…" he murmured, not wanting to suffer any more physical trauma.

"That's the first good idea you've had since you were deployed here." Tex rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Now please…do not disturb me unless it's vitally important."

"…does some weirdo doing weird shit to my—"

"NO!"

"Eh. Had to try." Tucker shrugged and continued on his way, humming a cheerful tune. "By the way…you might want to consider soundproofing your room. It's getting really hard to explain to Caboose what you and Leona keep doing in the middle of the night. Or whatever the fuck passes for night here."

_CRACK!_

"I'm going, I'm going…" Tucker broke into some sort of weird limp/jog thing and Tex lowered her weapon.

"…I seriously am not paid enough for this shit." Hmm, maybe she ought to find out if she could steal some vacation time. It would help her deal with whatever the hell she was suffering from mentally.

She didn't want to tell Leona about lest she become the biggest worrywart in the galaxy, but she was pretty sure she had some sort of mental ailment thanks to Omega being in her head for so long. She'd black out and not remember doing things, but Leona would remember it. So would York.

'…_for once, I really wish we didn't hand Doc over to the Reds as a hostage.'_

_**A/N: Yeah, not sure if I mentioned this in other fics I've done, but I'm like 90 percent sure that Tex has suffered some sort of trauma from the constant experiments done to her. "Oh sure, let's just place a really angry artificial intelligence unit inside your head. There will be noooooo side affects whatsoever." **_

_**Really? Come on. **_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	24. Chapter 24

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 24. Don't have too long of a note for you to sit through so let's just get to it.**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 24***

Leona shivered in her armor, poking her head around the corner of the wall to see if there were any pissed off soldiers waiting to ambush them. With how terrible her luck had been so far today, she would've expected to run into twenty of them with assault rifles pointed at her head.

But instead there was no one. Nothing at all, save for complete silence. Even the damn alarms had stopped.

Normally, she would be happy to have some goddamn peace and quiet after a shitty day. But right now, it was a little worrying. Here they were strolling out of an occupied military base and the only thing she could hear was the howling of the wind. Fucking hell she remembered why Sidewinder sucked so damn much.

"_Hey, technically I was the one in Sidewinder, not you," _Alpha reminded.

'_Maybe. But it is still funny that Tex beat someone to death with their own skull. It doesn't seem physically possible,' _she sent back, chuckling a little. _'Poor Jimmy.' _

"_Yeah, poor guy. Never got to marry his girlfriend." _

'_Neither did I, now that I think about it.' _

"_MY girlfriend. Bitch," _Alpha muttered with a growl.

'_Mine now, asshole. Dibs.' _Leona smirked when she heard the AI groan in annoyance. _'Oh yeah, by the way, no takebacks either.' _

"_Fuck you." _Alpha groaned.

'_That's Tex's job.' _Leona was having way too much fun jabbing at the little prick of an AI. He was an asshole after all. So was pretty much everyone in her shitty circle of friends. The only decent one out of the bunch was York. At least he didn't stare at her ass every five seconds. Or make snide remarks about her aim. In her defense, someone kept fucking with the sights on her rifle. It wasn't her fault.

"Hey Leona, out of curiosity, have you actually ever hit anything with the sniper rifle or no?" York asked.

Never mind, she took it back.

She was surrounded by assholes. Still, they were her assholes. Which sounded rather dirty, now that she thought about it. _'So glad Tucker's not here right now. Jackass.' _

"Yes, for your information," she shot back. "Someone keeps fucking with my goddamn sights every time I'm not looking. I'm blaming either Tucker or the teamkilling fucktard on my team."

"Not my fault! Tucker did it!" Caboose was rather quick to deny his involvement. "…I just want my orange juice."

"Oh shut up Caboose." Leona rolled her eyes. "Are we going to sit around shooting the shit all day or are we actually going to leave? I've had enough of this place to last me a lifetime."

"What, tired of the cold already, Pretty Princess?" Sarge asked with a chuckle. "Or is it your little Tooth Fairy?"

"I thought Donut was your friend."

"He means Church…"

"Thank you Simmons." York let out a defeated sigh. "Seriously, how the fuck do you ever get anything done if all you do is argue?"

"We don't?" Leona tried. "It's part of our charm. Learn the system."

"…I'm really not paid enough for this shit." York rubbed his helmet with a groan. "No Delta, we're not doing that celebration Wash suggested every time we completed a mission. Where the hell would we even get that much custard? …oh shut up."

"Delta being an asshole?" Leona asked. One thing she shared in common with the Freelancer. Having another voice in her head was annoying as hell sometimes. Especially when it was essentially the male equivalent of herself. Good God Alpha's voice was grating as all hell. No wonder Tex dumped him.

"_Hey, I heard that you bitch." _

Oh yeah, that too. Him being able to read her mind was not fun.

"Yes. Someone won't cut it out with the snide remarks." The tan Freelancer shook his head and moved on ahead, reloading his shotgun. "I'm really regretting volunteering for certain parts of Project Freelancer…"

"Tell me about it." Leona let out a defeated groan and spotted her preferred weapon lying on the snow outside. "Oh hey, dibs."

She ran over to pick it up when she heard Alpha scream in her head. _"Get down!" _

Leona dove as three sniper shots flew over her head and she grabbed her rifle, hiding behind the nearest rock. "Sniper! Top of the ridge!"

"Simmons, Grif! Lay down some suppressing fire!" York ordered, swapping his shotgun for his BR55 battle rifle. "Leona, try and find an angle! We need to know who we're dealing with. Sarge, keep Caboose from getting shot!"

"A little busy here!" Leona flinched away from another sniper shot. "Son of a bitch! York, I'm pinned!"

"Working on it," the Freelancer growled, firing a few bursts from his rifle to draw the sniper's attention. "Delta, who are we dealing with? Got any ID?"

"_Enemy target is confirmed to be Agent Wyoming," _Delta reported. _"I suggest immediate evasive action." _

"Wyoming!? Oh you've got to be fucking kidding me." Leona hissed in annoyance and poked her head out to shoot at the bastard. "Why does my luck suck so goddamn much?"

"In all fairness, he's after me not you," York muttered with a grunt. "I may have pissed off the Director by not killing Tex and returning the Omega AI."

"Omega? Dude we had Doc kill that thing like three fuckin' weeks ago." Leona ducked again, flipping Wyoming off. "MISSED ME, BITCH!"

Wyoming jumped down from his cover, chuckling. His rifle was in his hands and he strode confidently towards her and York. "Hello there."

"…dude, are you seriously using some sort of cheesy-ass Star Wars joke to introduce yourself?" Leona rolled her eyes. "Come on, man. You need better material."

"Your tags will make an excellent addition to my collection, York," Wyoming continued with a laugh.

"Dear god." Leona groaned and looked at York in exasperation. "You seriously had to work with this jackass?"

"Please, this is nothing," York returned. "At least he hasn't started his stupid knock-knock jokes."

"Ah, who's there?" Wyoming fired a shot at York, who easily evaded it.

"It's York." The tan Freelancer scooped up a handful of snow and tossed it into his visor. "Leona, now!"

"York, huh?" Wyoming wiped the snow from his visor and was suddenly face to face with a very short tempered woman with her fist cocked back. Leona punched him as hard as she could, knocking him out and sending him crashing into the snow. He groaned weakly in pain and didn't stir, the blue haired woman glaring at him.

"It's 'York' catch, asshole." She growled and turned to see York clapping.

"Talk about a knock-knock. Nice punch," he complimented.

"Thanks." Leona's hand hurt like hell after that and she grimaced. "Simmons, Sarge! Get us the hell out of here so we can go back to pretending to kill each other. I've had enough of this place."

"I think I can get us something. Are you ladies afraid of flying?" Sarge gestured to the Pelican dropship in the distance.

…

"Shotgun," York called.

"FUCK!" Grif groaned.

"Shotgun's lap."

"Goddammit Leona, stop talking with Donut."

_**A/N: And back to Blood Gulch. The best of the series, Season 4-5. Oh the fun to be had there…**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	25. Chapter 25

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 25! A nice milestone to hit for what was intended to be a joke story. Now? Now it's turned into one of my favorite things to actually write for. Funny how that happens, huh? **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to put up with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 25***

The flight back to Blood Gulch was a nice and rather short one, much to Leona's relief. Considering most of the other occupants were trying to kill her just for wearing a different color on a daily basis, she was very glad when the ship landed in the middle of the canyon and the Reds immediately went to their side of the canyon.

She was just sad she missed a chance to rid herself of Tucker in the process. "Dammit York! Why didn't you just land on him? It would have been easy." It also would've saved her and Tex a hell of a headache but she didn't add that to her list of complaints. They didn't have all day.

Well technically they did because they kind of did fuck all in Blood Gulch, but still. Point stands.

York let out an exasperated sigh and looked at her sternly. Or attempted to, because she could see a flash of sympathy in his remaining eye. "Leona, I know that Tucker annoys the fuck out of you—"

"Understatement of the fucking year," Leona grumbled bitterly.

"But killing him does not benefit the team as a whole," the tan colored Freelancer finished dryly. "As tempting as it is to squash him permanently, that would leave you with less…target practice."

"Hmm. You know, I think that sounds more fun. I like the way you think, York." She smirked and reached for her rifle. "Bet I can hit him from here."

"I'll take those odds, seeing as he's already almost back to base." York smirked. "Six pack of beer as the wager?"

"Did you honestly expect it to be anything else?" Leona pointed out dryly. "We don't have any money lying around." She checked her weapon's magazine to make sure she had a full magazine in and it flashed on her heads up display. Yep, all four bullets in the mag. Four opportunities for her to hit Tucker. Worked enough for her.

_CRACK!_

"OW! THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?"

"…did you just shoot him in the ass?" York asked in disbelief.

"Yep." Leona laughed and flipped her teammate off as he fell facefirst into the base. "Don't worry Tucker! You'll be fine!"

"Will he?"

"Probably. Personally I don't care. He's kind of an asshole."

"I worked that out on my own, funnily enough," York said dryly.

"Oh really? What was your first fucking clue?" Leona put her rifle across her back and folded her arms.

"When I first came to this shitty dustbowl and he was trying to spy on you and Tex having sex," the Freelancer deadpanned. Oh right. How could she forget that? York punched him through the freaking window. It was pretty funny.

Not as funny as convincing Caboose that Church turned into a pickle and fucked off somewhere to be alone for the rest of his life, but still. Provided some good laughs. She never thought she'd get their resident idiot to believe that but here they were.

"Hey, York. Is it possible for you to keep Caboose out of trouble for say…thirty minutes?" she asked.

"I swear to God, if it's so you and Tex can—"

"I need to talk to Tex about something."

"Goddammit." York sighed. "Alright, what is it?"

"Well…have you noticed anything…wrong with her?" Leona tried. "Like she seems off somehow. It could just be me thinking too much about it but you never know." Of course she'd be the first one to notice if anything was wrong with her girlfriend and probably the first to assume so.

"A bit more cheerful, but nothing really." York shrugged. "Still, I'll keep an eye out."

"Literally in your case." Leona couldn't resist the little jab and didn't regret it even when York cuffed her over the head in response. "Worth it."

"I'm tempted to let Caboose barge in on you now for that one."

"Don't you fucking dare, asshole."

York merely laughed and dodged away from her attempted punch. Goddammit. Sometimes, she really wondered why the hell she and Tex put up with him.

Then she remembered he was actually good and useful company unlike the rest of the hopeless idiots on her team. Oh, and he could fight too. That also helped. _'Hey, uh, Church?' _

"_What?" _Church asked with an angry growl. Okay, clearly he was not in the mood for talking in the slightest. Good start.

'_You mind making yourself scarce for about twenty minutes or so?' _Leona asked internally. _'No I'm not planning on fucking Tex. This is actually serious.' _

"_Then why don't you want me around? I'm a fucking AI that can see into your head. And can I just say, it's fucking depressing in here." _

'_The hell is that supposed to mean!?' _

"_Lady, you've got more drama than a fucking high school girl. Jesus Christ. I thought my life was depressing, but you got me beat by a long mile. Worrying about your girlfriend's mental state that much?" _Church asked dryly. _"And before you wonder how the fuck I know all of that, do remember I'm in your goddamn head. Even if I don't say anything, I can see your thoughts. _

Fuck. She sort of forgot about that. Memory lapses? What the hell? Was that a side effect of the implantation or something?

"_Yeah it is. York said he had the same thing for a few days when he got Delta. You'll be fine; quit bitching about it." _Church let out an unimpressed scoff. _"So, what are you gonna do?" _

'_The hell do you mean? I'm going to ask her what's going on. I'm not stupid, Church. I can see that something's wrong with her even if she's too proud to admit it,'_ she shot back.

"_Do you seriously think Tex of all people is going to fall for that mushy shit? It's fucking Tex. You remember what her idea of romantic was?" _Church reminded.

'_Oh yeah. I definitely remember that. She literally ripped that dude's skull out and beat him to death with it. Not gonna lie, that's pretty hot.' _

"_Jesus Christ. You have a bigger boner for murder than Sarge does."_

'_Except I don't have a fucking dick.' _The blue haired woman rolled her eyes and stepped inside the nice air conditioning of Blue Base. It was so nice and relaxing compared to the blazing heat and the dreary ass sand.

"Hey, Tex! You around?" she called out.

No answer.

"_Chirp, chirp, chirp—"_

"Church I swear to God, stop making cricket noises." Leona hissed. "Or I will stuff you inside of a robot and have Caboose teamkill you again." Oh and she'd do it too. She was an asshole like that. Then again, she was pretty sure that being an asshole was just genetics.

Case and point.

Church's response was merely him flipping her off. Not at all surprising. The day Church acted all mushy was the day the universe ended.

Leona stopped talking to listen better and she frowned. She couldn't hear anything except Caboose munching on cookies and that was a worry. "Tex?"

She poked her head around and sighed. No wonder Tex wasn't answering her. "I…really should've expected that."

The blonde Freelancer was passed out on her stomach, happily snoring away while covered in bandages. Leona let out a relieved sigh and placed her rifle down, shutting the door quietly behind her.

Yeah fuck it. After all the shit they had been through today, a little nap with her sounded a lot better than some long ass talk that would inevitably be ruined by either Caboose or Tucker.

"Dammit Tex, move over!"

_**A/N: *yawns and rubs eyes* Is it bad that I'm getting so exhausted that I can't even remember what day it is? Or is this shit normal for everyone else too? Fucking hate working sometimes. **_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	26. Chapter 26

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome back to another chapter of Paradox Effect. It has been awhile since I last updated and for that I do apologize. Had to get a whole new laptop and all that jazz, which meant I lost a good portion of my saved work including this. Fuck me. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to deal with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 26***

During her daily patrol, Leona remembered the one thing she hated about Blood Gulch even more than dealing with Tucker's perverted bullshit. The fucking Reds.

She was scouting along the cliffs with her trusty SRS99 rifle in hand, of course bringing Church along with her so she wouldn't die from sheer boredom, and she looked through the scope when she saw them going in guns blazing towards their side of the canyon. "Oh for fuck's sake. What is it now?" _'I swear, is it really so hard to ask for them to not attack us every five minutes? This is what, the eighth time this week? This shit is really starting to get old.'_

"_You're telling me." _Church huffed in annoyance, glaring daggers at the Reds as they once again tried to assault their base with a Warthog, their terrible Mexican music blasting from the stereo. _"They don't seem to understand the fact that there are two highly trained operatives on our side. One of whom has an AI." _

'_Fuck me, the good old days of when we'd get piss drunk with Tucker and just yell insults at them seem so far away now. I can't believe I actually miss it.' _Leona let out a sigh of despair when the Reds were driven off once again by their tank (currently being operated by she assumed York). "It was funny the first few times. Now it's just pissing me off. How long do you think it'll be before York snaps and kills all of them?"

"_I give it three more tries," _Church replied.

"Eh, I'll take those odds." Leona shrugged and fired a shot from her rifle, hitting the rear tire of the Reds' Warthog. It spun out of control and slammed into their base, throwing all of its occupants out into the dirt. She chuckled at the screams of pain as they crashed, grinning at Church's hologram. "That ought to keep them occupied for the rest of the week. Unless they have a master mechanic on their team, which I seriously doubt." _'Finally, get to go home early for once. This shit is tiring.'_

"_It's the Reds. If there's one thing they're extraordinarily good at, it's having the shittiest timing ever," _Church deadpanned. _"Remember Sidewinder before Tex came?"_

'_Oh yeah. Poor Red Team. Wonder what happened to them after Tex came in and wiped out the Blues?'_ Leona let out a laugh. "Remember the good times of us convincing Private Jimmy that the snow tasted like vanilla ice cream?"

"_Ha! I remember that! Poor bastard didn't trust us for the next month. Even the captain thought it was funny." _Church laughed with her and she wouldn't deny that it was refreshing to reminiscence about the good old days instead of constantly talking shit to each other. While the banter they had was much better than her swearing at Tucker for trying to look at her ass, this was calm and peaceful.

"Fucking hell," Leona sighed. "I really can't believe I actually miss that. I'm getting depressed just thinking about how dull every day is in this fucking canyon."

"_You, depressed? How the fuck is that different from any other day?" _Church deadpanned. Leona rolled her eyes and she resisted the temptation to try and shoot him. She wouldn't exactly get any satisfaction from shooting a hologram. Or ghost. Or whatever the fuck he liked to refer to himself as. She didn't know but she also found herself really not caring.

"Whatever," she muttered. She looked through the scope at the Reds as they tried to desperately fix their Warthog for another assault, her finger creeping ever so slightly into the trigger guard. "You know, it would be fun to take out the orange one. Grif, right? Or is he yellow? The fuck color is that anyway?"

"_Dude, I have no idea. I've been trying to figure out that shit since I first met him," _Church answered with a yawn of boredom. _"So, think you can make the shot?" _

"Probably. My aim's improved since I fixed the fucking sights on this thing. Oh and Tex has been helping me with that by providing some good target practice." Leona smirked. "Now Tucker can't say my aim is shit." She still never forgave Tucker for one of his jokes regarding her ability to shoot the sniper rifle.

"_I mean, he could, but you'd just shoot him in the ass again." _

'_Hey, he shouldn't be trying to peep on me and Tex having sex.'_

"_I mean, I do it all the time but you aren't trying to kill me," _Church pointed out.

"That's because you don't give a shit and you usually just fuck off somewhere," Leona countered. "You're not actively trying to hide in the closet like that one creepy fucker at a college party. You're just along for the ride because you're in my head and get ultra pissed if I yank you."

"…_okay I can kind of see your point," _Church admitted. _"So, are you going to shoot or just sit up here talking shit with me?"_

Leona shook her head and lowered her rifle. "Nah, I don't think I'll even bother. As tempting as it is, I think it is more punishment for them to live with the inevitable beatdown they're going to suffer courtesy of York. I can live with that."

"_Nice to see you're just as big of an asshole as me." _Church snorted.

'_Hey, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.' _Leona put her rifle over her shoulder and started to walk down the cliffside trail back to base. Armored or not it was still hot as fuck out and she didn't want to stay in it any longer than she had to. Not when she had a fully air conditioned base waiting for her. And ultra comfortable bed to sleep in. Even though it said it was three in the morning on her heads up display the sun shone as brightly as ever. "You know, I'll never understand why daylight savings time here is only three fucking minutes. Am I seriously the only one bothered by that?"

"_Nope. It bugs the fuck out of me too. You have no idea how hard it was to remind Tucker that it was actually three minutes ahead instead of an hour," _Church muttered with a sigh. _"Took me a fuckin' month."_

'_You're bullshitting me, right?' _

"_No. You should know that. Don't you remember any of it?"_

'…_not really. I remember a whole bunch of other shit though.' _Leona winced as her head suddenly throbbed. _'Ow. Maybe I've been out in the sun for too damn long. Good thing I'm heading back. I could use a glass of water right about now. Fucking head is killing me.' _

"_When was the last time you actually slept properly?" _Church asked.

'_No clue. I kind of lost track to be honest. What, is two and a half hours a day not good or something? I feel like I've been doing it for years.' _The blue haired woman didn't seem all that bothered by it. As a long time insomniac getting little to no sleep except for a nice hour power nap was the usual. She hadn't been able to sleep for as long as she could remember.

"_Dude, those aren't your memories. They're mine, remember?" _Church reminded. _"How do you remember all of this shit anyway?"_

'_No clue.' _She shrugged. _'It feels weird as hell though. Why can I remember shit that you've done? I'm pretty sure I didn't go get piss drunk at Club Errera ten years ago.' _

"_Do I look like a fucking psychiatrist?" _Church asked dryly. _"I don't know, go ask Tex or York about it. I sure as fuck don't know why."_

'_Real fucking helpful. Jackass.' _Leona rolled her eyes. _'And no offense, but until I figure out what's wrong with Tex, I'd really prefer to not ask her why I'm remembering this shit.' _When she talked to Tex earlier, her girlfriend denied anything being wrong. However, she could tell when the blonde was bullshitting. Tex knew she had some kind of issue; she just didn't want to talk about it. Not yet at least. The other possibility was that she didn't want to be fussed over. _'Damn you and that stubborn pride of yours. One day you're gonna be too stubborn for your own good.' _

Fucking hell, she needed that air conditioning before her headache got any worse.

_**A/N: Yeah, am I the only one who thinks that Tex has severe mental trauma? I mean figure all the shit she's been through and seen. Friends dying, being experimented on, entire life being a lie…shit would fuckin' ruin me.**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	27. Chapter 27

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 27. Good god, has it been that long already? It feels like just two weeks ago I started this. How the time flies by. Thank fuck that I am starting to feel more motivated to actually work on my fics. **_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to deal with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 27***

Texas hated Blood Gulch a lot. Between the Reds and Blues giving her a headache and the unbearable heat, she honestly couldn't think of a single positive thing about this miserable dustbowl. Besides getting back together with her girlfriend and York. Poor bastard. He still didn't know what to think of the mess he was dragged into. She couldn't blame him; she definitely wasn't helping with the flirty winks. Nor was Leona for that matter. They both enjoyed messing with him.

She heard the unmistakable sound of a rocket launcher going off and she rolled her eyes. "Oh for…what is it now!?" _'I swear to God, if it's the fucking Reds, I'm going to murder every single one of them and strangle them with their own intestines.' _

Grabbing a BR55 battle rifle and a magnum she stalked upstairs to see what all of the commotion was about. When she reached the top of Blue Base, she was met with the sight of Leona driving off the Reds with one of the explosive weapons in hand. "And fuck off! I've had enough of your bullshit!"

Leona turned around and let her rocket launcher rest on her back. "Oh, hey Tex. What's up?"

"Just seeing what the hell that goddamn noise was," Tex replied, looking at the giant smoking crater in the ground that was left from the explosion. "You make a hell of a racket, you know that?"

"I never took you to think that was a bad thing," Leona shot back with a smirk. "Don't worry; the idiots won't come back for at least another day. I thought destroying their jeep would keep them occupied, but I guess not."

"You mean Warthog?" Tex reminded.

"Sure, I guess. Why the hell do they call it that, anyway?" Leona asked.

"Because M12-LRV is too much of a mouthful to say," Tex said dryly.

"Bow chicka bow wow!" yelled Tucker from his stupid masturbation rock.

"Shut the fuck up, Tucker." Leona pointed her weapon at the rock. "I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig. It kind of looks like a big cat of some kind, if you think about it."

"…what, like a puma?"

"Yeah, there you go."

"Huh…now that I think about it, you're right," Tex conceded. "What's York doing?"

"Out on patrol. He doesn't want Wyoming to catch us sleeping," Leona answered. "I don't see what the problem is; I knocked him out with one punch the last time."

"Don't sleep on Wyoming," Tex warned. "Remember he was a Freelancer too. He might suck in close range, but he's a sniper specialist."

"So your advice is to just do what I did last time and punch him so hard I think I sprained my wrist?"

"Pretty much."

"Great. I fucking look forward to it." The blue haired woman rolled her eyes. "Hey, Tucker! Stop jerking off to porn for five minutes and get up here! I need you for something!"

"What!? I'm busy!" Tucker protested.

"It's Christmas in like three days, dumbass," Leona reminded dryly. "We need to make some preparations for the holiday break. Yes, we're getting a vacation, Tex; don't give me that look like you're unfamiliar with the concept."

"It's not that, genius." The blonde sighed. "It's…where the fuck are you going to find a tree for this? We're in a desert!" A really hot and dreary one at that.

"You're forgetting that York is unusually gifted at acquiring items of high demand." Leona smirked. "We'll get him to find one for us. Oh, and gifts too."

"…we're seriously doing this." Tex shook her head, not sure whether to be amused or exasperated. "Fine, fine! But for the love of God, you better not make me wear something stupid."

"Oh no, don't worry." Leona's grin was a little too mischievous for her liking. "I have something special in mind for us."

Tex wasn't sure whether to be aroused or afraid. She settled for both.

* * *

Wyoming groaned and rubbed his head when he came to, sitting up and shaking the snow off of his armor. He had a hell of a headache but wasn't any worse for wear. Bloody hell, that woman Leona packed one mean punch. If he didn't know better, he'd have said it was Tex with blue hair. He was pretty sure he lost a few years off his lifespan.

Damn, so close to killing York and perhaps getting out of this miserable existence. After Project Freelancer went to hell with the break in and Tex's desertion, all Wyoming really wanted to do was find a nice quiet spot to relax trimming his glorious moustache and sip tea while watching his favorite shows. He was a man of culture. Or at least he thought he was.

But then York had to go run off after Tex. Bloody hell, wasn't it enough that he slept with Carolina? He had to go for the other Freelancer above him?

Still. Could be worse.

He could be like Washington. Poor bastard was probably busy hunting down all the missing equipment from Freelancer with Massachusetts. When Wyoming heard the news of Wash's partner, he wasn't sure whether to be envious or not care. Everyone onboard the MOI heard the rumors between them.

Groaning and flexing his shoulder Wyoming picked up his sniper rifle and pistol, frowning under his helmet when he saw the condition his favored sidearm was in. The barrel was bent and twisted, rendering it mostly useless. "Damn."

Thankfully there were plenty of corpses to loot weapons and ammunition from. His moustache swirled and he trotted over to one of the bodies, relieving the dead man of his sidearm. "You won't be needing this, old chap."

With a secondary weapon procured, Wyoming turned his focus to his current objective. Find York and eliminate him whatever the cost. If only he knew where the devil he ran off to. The Director didn't exactly give him a lot of details. Slimy bastard.

'_Hmm. It looks like I'll have to call in that favor. Bugger. Wish I didn't have to do this.' _The British Freelancer hated having to do it, but it was an ugly necessity in his line of work. The sooner he found York, the sooner he could retire and go the hell home.

"Come in, South Dakota. This is Wyoming. I'm here to call in a favor you owe me."

_**A/N: So…why am I doing a holiday special in the middle of summer? Because I thought it would be fun to do. Plus it gives me an excuse to write smut. Don't give me that look; some of you have been asking about it and I haven't had a time to do it until now.**_

_**A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


	28. Chapter 28

_**A/N: Hello all and welcome to chapter 28. I can't believe it's seriously been so long. Still this is always a joy to write for even with long periods in between updates at times. So here we are!**_

**Paradox Effect**

_Summary: Dying sucked. Dying and being killed by the same teammate again? That sucked even more. Dying and being thrown back into Blood Gulch as a girl? That REALLY sucked. Now, Leona Church will have to deal with Tucker's perverted looks, Caboose's stupidity, and worst of all, Tex's laughter…_

***Chapter 28***

Leona looked up from her workbench as York walked in, puffing a little and carrying a tree. "Welcome back. Was it too hard to find one?"

"Kinda." York set it down with a huff. "Why are we doing this again?"

"Because we all a vacation from time to time." Leona shrugged and looked at the tree. It was bent a little at the top and a few limbs were missing, but it would settle for a shitty Blood Gulch Christmas. "Put that in the center of the base, will you?"

York shook his head with a sigh, picking the tree back up and carrying it further into the base. "This is without a doubt the weirdest holiday I've ever had…"

Leona rolled her eyes and finished the new combat knife she had been working on. Tex always had a fascination for weapons so she figured she'd appreciate a handmade knife to rip and tear through anything that pissed them off. Like Wyoming for instance.

"Hey Princess." Tucker smirked and leaned against the doorway. "You don't look surprised to see me."

"Tucker, when am I ever surprised by your bullshit?" Leona deadpanned. "Seriously. We've been doing this shit for how many years?"

"It's only been like eight months, dude."

"Bullshit. It feels like I've been here for five years."

"That's because you don't fucking sleep, genius. Seriously, how many hours straight are you going right now?" he asked. "You're starting to worry Tex of all people."

"I don't know." The blue haired woman shrugged. "Two days, maybe? Why, do I look that bad?"

"Yes!" Tucker replied hastily. "You look like Tex beats you. Have you even looked in a mirror lately?"

"Well…no," Leona admitted. "Is it really that bad?"

"Dude, fucking go to sleep. Pushing yourself until you black out is the dumbest shit you've done in awhile," Tucker said. "Don't worry; York and Tex can handle shit."

"And Caboose?" Leona raised her eyebrow skeptically.

"Don't worry. I tied him up outside. He's got a jug of orange juice and a box of cookies. He'll be fine."

"That is less surprising than I'd like."

"Come on, we've seen the shit he's done. Remember when you convinced him that dirt tastes like chocolate? Or the time we told him that one of Tex's sex toys was a rubber arm?" Tucker reminded. "He's a total fuckin' moron. I think O'Malley gave him really bad brain damage. Wasn't he semi competent at one point?"

"Fuck if I know." Leona scoffed and rubbed her eyes with a loud yawn. Okay, Tucker had a point. She needed to sleep some. Otherwise she was gonna pass out. "Just…keep him away from me. My trigger finger gets twitchy whenever he's around. I'm going to bed for the next three years."

"Yep. Don't worry; if one of us cooks anything we'll save you some and a beer," Tucker said. "And if you don't get your ass to sleep, I'll have Tex knock you out herself."

"Kinky."

"Wrong kind of KO dude."

"You're no fun today." Leona got up with a groan, stumbling a little. She hadn't realized how right Tucker was; she was fucking exhausted. Constantly straining her body past its limits was not good, especially in a giant dustbowl in the middle of nowhere. Calling for a medic wasn't the best thing, either. Look at how the last medic turned out. He went apeshit insane and tried to murder everyone.

Now that she actually thought about it, something occurred to her. What if they didn't terminate the Omega AI? She knew it had the ability to jump from person to person without the need for implants like the Alpha could. What if it sensed it was about to lose its host and jumped into someone else? Someone who was…normally a goddamn pacifist.

"…fuck me." The realization hit her like a train and she wanted nothing more than to get some damn sleep. They didn't get rid of Omega. The fucker jumped into Doc. No wonder he let out weird cackles and attempted to murder half of them. His voice even sounded distorted. More enraged than anything. Even Tex wasn't that bad when she had the AI.

Leona stumbled into her room and took one look at the emptiness of her bed. Fucking hell it looked so inviting. The blue haired woman discarded her armor and flopped facefirst into her bed. She was out cold within seconds.

* * *

York hummed merrily as he put up the Christmas tree he, ahem, borrowed. He definitely did not sneak into Red Base while everyone was sleeping and stole it. Nope. There was no proof of that whatsoever. There was no sign that said, "Merry Christmas Red Team," hanging above it that he used a can of spray paint to cover. Negative.

Okay in all fairness, where the hell else was he supposed to go to find a tree in the middle of the fucking desert? It's not like he could just walk outside and yank one out of the ground. The only things in Blood Gulch were sand, rocks, and two bases. That's it.

Goddammit. This place fucking sucks. The tan Freelancer was beginning to understand why Leona hated Blood Gulch so goddamn much. There really wasn't anything to do was there?

He almost wished Wyoming would make another shitty attempt on his life, if only to provide some kind of excitement. He definitely was not checking out Leona after she decked Wyoming in the face. Besides, he was pretty sure either A, Leona would kill him, or B, Tex would kill him. Either way, he didn't feel like experiencing an undoubtedly horrible and painful demise.

"Hey, Tucker? Where are you?" he asked, making sure the tree wasn't bent or anything. Oh god the amount of jokes that could be made.

"In here grabbing something to eat. Why, what's up?" Tucker poked his head out of the kitchen with a bag of potato chips in hand.

"I need a hand with this thing. We got any decorations?"

"Uh, not that I know of."

"Where the hell is Leona?" York looked around, unable to spot the current captain of Blue Team. "For the love of God, don't tell me she's going on a murder spree."

"Calm down, dude. I told her to get some sleep and let us handle everything," Tucker reassured.

"Where's Caboose?"

"I tied him up outside."

…

"Why am I not surprised?" York rubbed his head with a sigh. "And where's Alpha? I haven't seen him in awhile."

"Talking with Caboose," Tucker replied. "I figured that could keep him out of Leona's hair for about an hour. Hell it'll keep him busy for a week if he starts asking Caboose math problems."

"We're not that fucking lucky." York chuckled and hummed. They still needed some decorations. He could always raid Red Base again. But that was too much like work. He wanted to utilize the, "Fuck it, we're lazy," option if possible. In other words, make someone else do his dirty work so he could have a beer or two.

"Hey, Tucker?"

"Yeah?"

"…how hard is it to bribe you into running over to Red Base and steal their holiday decorations?" he asked.

"Name what you're offering." Tucker smirked.

"Two of those six packs of beer in the fridge and excused from training for a week."

"Fucking deal, dude. Lemme get armored up." Tucker vanished to go get a better weapon and York smiled to himself. That was a hell of a lot easier than he expected. He thought he was gonna have to twist his arm to do it.

Why couldn't life be this simple all the time?

_**A/N: And there we go. Finally done. Hopefully I don't need a goddamn month just to type this shit. Thank you all for reading and I'll see you all again soon!**_

_**-A Lovestruck A2#5371**_


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